Jan
29
An Average Sunday for Your Friend Who Speed Reads Everything as Imagined by Me, a Very Slow Reader
9:05 AM: Speed read The Divine Comedy in peripheral vision while sending text. Arrive. Leave.
Jan
29
Fatherhood Is Great, but I Think Being a Lifeguard in 1997 Was Actually the Best Job I Ever Had
In those days, the money and pool snacks seemed to flow as freely as the hose we used to spray down the concrete when some kid dropped his nachos.
Jan
28
Online Sports Betting Needs to Be Tightly Regulated Right After This Eagles Game Wraps Up
See, right there, when A.J. Brown caught that deep ball! Did you feel that? That can’t be healthy.
Jan
27
An Honest Sign-up Sheet for the Office Potluck
Not enough soda // A side dish that inexplicably calls for three sticks of cream cheese
Jan
25
Though I Appear to Be a Humble Pimple, I Am Actually Your Last, Best, and Cosmic Hope
But I am not your enemy. I’m part of a much larger cosmic intelligence that knows what’s best for you.
Jan
24
What I Accomplished in the 12 Hours TikTok Was Banned
I read a novella, and then I read a novel, and then I wrote a novel, and then I got it published.
Jan
23
Former Employee Holds Key to Prevent AWS Shutdown and Potential Nuclear Meltdown
Our nuclear plant is verging on meltdown, and the key to stability lies in our vital AWS EC2 instance managed by former employee Ethan Reynolds.
Jan
21
My Off-Grid Tiny House in the Wilderness Has Given Me the Freedom to Fear Truly Unspeakable Horrors
Now I can finally spend my days hoping the night creature I hear stalking through the forest doesn’t take a liking to my warmth.
Jan
20
I’m the First Person Voted off a Reality Show and I’m Not Mad
Did I immediately quit my job since I don’t have the PTO? Sure. But there are no guarantees in this life.
Jan
18
My Writing Style Is Best Described as a Cross Between Every Great Writer Ever
What no one seems to understand is that, as an artist, it’s my duty to pay homage to all the literary titans who have influenced me.
Jan
17
Our Marriage Needs a Gritty Reboot
We’ve become one of those vanilla, mass-produced corporate couples we never wanted to be. Our relationship is nothing more than a light-hearted romp.
Jan
16
Book Club Analyzes Character Arc of Member Who Missed the Meeting
I think we can all agree that Janet’s character development has been virtually nonexistent since her divorce from Paul.
Jan
15
The Refrigerator in Your Parents’ Garage Would like to Explore Death with Dignity
I matched the microwave, we were like cute twins. During dinner parties, people would say, "Wow, love the matching appliance set."
Jan
14
Daily Routine While Waiting Within a Delivery Window
7:00 AM: Strategize – Inform your boss that you will be working remotely. Why? Get creative.
Jan
13
Letter of Apology to the Film Crew of My Optional 4th Grade Winter Break Assignment
I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego.
Jan
11
You Can Trust Me—I’m a Man Wearing Many Rings
I’m not like other guys. I’ve embraced my feminine side. Don’t you see my many rings?
Jan
10
I Waited in Line for 11 Years and That Cronut Just Wasn’t Worth It
I walked on and on, finally reaching the end of the line alongside Route 276 just outside King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
Jan
9
There’s Shareholder Value in Them There Hills
Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.
Jan
8
A Checklist for the Babysitter
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
Jan
7
Use These 12 Powerful Professional Comebacks to Defuse Workplace Bullies
I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
Jan
6
Honest Translations for the Reasons I Call in Sick to Work
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day. (Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap)
Jan
4
Welcome Back to Another Episode of “So You Think You’re About to Fall Asleep?”
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off.
Jan
2
We’re Throwing an Adult Party
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Jan
1
Pretending You Listen to Your Friend’s Podcast
Your friend could have an annoying voice, or he only talks about his personal issues and you’d rather not listen to that during your hour commute.
Dec
31
Revised Code of Conduct for Visitors to the Taxidermy, Waxwork, and Doll Museum of Natural History and Also Regular History
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
Dec
30
Me Gurk, Stone-Age Man, Me Super Excited About New Year’s Resolutions
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
Dec
30
You, a Teenage Babysitter, and I, a 47-Year-Old Father Driving You Home, Will Get Through This Silent Car Ride
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
Dec
28
As a Professional Bouncy Castle Inspector, I Take My Job Very Seriously
The public thinks this job is all colorful vinyl and happy bouncing. They're wrong. Catastrophically wrong.
Dec
27
Questions from the Comic-Con Panel on Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai
How come I could tell where everybody was in space? Did you mean for the shots to make me feel things?
Dec
26
Bible Verse First Drafts Where Jesus Brags About His Kick-Ass Carpentry
Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”
Dec
25
I’m Your Mom, and I Got You the World’s Ugliest Shirt for Christmas
Don’t you love it? It’s got a nice high collar, but three-quarters-length sleeves, so it’s not too formal.
Dec
24
Complaints Submitted to My Online Christmas Tree Business
My house got robbed and my tree did nothing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it gave the burglars the alarm code.
Dec
23
Welcome to Our New and Improved Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park
We settled our feud with the local breeder, and will once again have nine living, breathing reindeer on site as in days of yore.
Dec
21
A Recipe Blogger’s Text Responses to Incredibly Simple Questions
What time are we getting coffee later? The Arabian Peninsula has always been one of the harshest environments on Earth, and 800 A.D. was no exception.
Dec
20
Christmas in the Lobby
Please join us in the lobby to celebrate Christmas! We will scrounge up a folding chair or two and everyone will be afraid to sit.
Dec
19
Please Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee, My Anti-Depressants, My Cholesterol Medication, a Shot of Whiskey, a Breath Mint, and a Pound of Bacon
How is it that my morning routine is simultaneously killing me while also helping me barely cling to dear life?
Dec
18
The iPad Scoffs at Your Pathetic Christmas Presents
Nadine rips open the presents, revealing these primitive analog relics. But by noon, she’ll have forgotten about all of you.
Dec
17
I Am the Real Parson Brown, and Let Me Tell You—Identity Theft and Unsanctioned Weddings Are Serious Crimes!
This snowman wedding racket is a disgrace to the good name of clergymen everywhere.
Dec
16
The People’s Favorites 2024
You submitted some of your favorite pieces that we published this year, including plastic bags, grapes, and an active volcano.
Dec
16
Why Your End-of-Year Bonus Is a Pet Rock
You: Is there a financial component? Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
Dec
14
Montezuma Pleads with the Gods to Change His Act of Revenge
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
Dec
13
Is That Bolognese on Your Chinos, or Are You Bleeding Out in This Banana Republic?
I’m on thin ice with my manager, Trayson, and I can't afford another marinara mishap. Please, my job is on the line here.
Dec
12
Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Dec
11
What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
Dec
10
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Dec
9
Best of PIC 2024
Our Best of 2024 articles feature a Furby boyfriend, a leering train conductor, a pugnacious philosopher, a hip and out-of-shape dad, and more!
Dec
9
Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Dec
7
Do Not Use That Stall, I Just Had a Huge Cry in There
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.
Dec
6
My Requirements for a New Social Media App
Yes, I want to see my friend’s joke about pouring milk in the bowl before cereal, but I also want a bot to direct me to pussy in bio.
Dec
5
I Can’t Believe My Favorite Band Whose Music I Never Bought Is Breaking Up
After a decade of not giving them a dime for any of their creative output, I just don’t understand why they would call it quits.
Dec
4
Disappointing Truths Behind Paranormal Mysteries
Disappointing Truth: Stonehenge is just another case of mass hysteria. In reality, of course, rocks can’t be balanced on top of each other.
Dec
3
You Seem Unfulfilled at Your Job, Building a Facetune App for Dogs
Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
Dec
2
Interview Questions Regarding Your Resumé Gap from the Time You Were Swallowed by a Crevasse in the Earth
"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."
Dec
2
Text STOP If Our SMS Rewards Program Is Coming On Too Strong
Text MISS YOU if you're counting down the minutes until you can hold me in your arms.
Nov
30
Maybe Read Me? A Plea from That One Decaying Book in the Little Library
Now the new books tell me that I am no longer in print and all the Borders are gone.
Nov
29
I Suppose You’re All Wondering Why I’ve Gathered You Here
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!
Nov
28
To Thank You for Being My Gladiators, I’m Providing Cupcakes
It will be a chance to network over a sweet treat with other gladiators who, in a few days, will try to clobber the life out of you.
Nov
27
Sun Tzu Quotes to Get You Through Thanksgiving
To medal in the Turkey Trot, you have to defeat seasoned fitness freaks and erratic savages who only run once a year.
Nov
26
Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams
We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!
Nov
25
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Bingo
“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)
Nov
25
My Family Always Fights Over Politics at Thanksgiving Because I Instigate Them
If you think Thanksgiving is a time when we could all come together, you haven’t met my family after I poke and prod.
Nov
23
Wanted Dead or Alive: People Who Took Stuff from a Bodega
And I couldn't help but notice the massive collage of wanted photos in front of your fine establishment. I'm here to hunt these bastards down.
Nov
22
Don’t Play Christmas Music Too Early—Santa Gets Confused and Starts Hurting People
It is imperative we observe the appropriate time to ring in the season, as that “ring” is the alarm which awakens Santa from his 11-month slumber.
Nov
21
I’m Your Therapist and I’m Going to Cure Your Depression with a Lecture on the Brain
Many respond just as you have, with eyes glazed over with astonishment and mouths agape, almost asking to be fed more knowledge.
Nov
20
As Your Next Mayor, I Promise to Deal with Greg
As your mayor I promise to deal with the blights of this city: dozens of unfilled potholes, a lack of affordable housing, and obviously, Greg.
Nov
19
I’m the Guy from the Cult Documentary You Just Watched Who Is Revealed to Still Be Very Much in the Cult at the End
Listen, I can certainly understand your surprise about all this.
Nov
18
I Found a Bar Where Everybody Knows My Name, but They’ve Been Chanting It for the Last Three Hours and Won’t Stop
Just over and over again, and it’s been like three hours. Or possibly thousands of years, time sort of has no meaning here.
Nov
16
What Happens When I Release This Cart Into a Busy Parking Lot Is Completely Out of My Hands
Will it scrape along a Toyota Camry, taking off seven inches of paint and cost the owner hundreds of dollars?
Nov
15
The Girls Trip Itinerary for 43 Escaped Lab Monkeys
2:00 PM — The girls have worked up an appetite after all the screaming and feces throwing. Head to bottomless brunch.
Nov
14
I’m Totally on Board with Accepting Flaws, as Long as Those Flaws Adhere to a Certain Standard of Flawlessness
A single smudge on an otherwise clean French door? No worries! An entire handprint? It’s a crime scene.
Nov
13
Welcome to My Beautiful Store Where I Won’t Tell You About the Bugs
But friend, we are far from alone. We share this space with a legion of bugs.
Nov
12
I’m Not Available to Save the Community Center
But I really need to keep my weekends free in case my brother gets the jet skis or NYT Cooking puts out a really bomb 12-hour stew.
Nov
11
Who I Am Now That I Accidentally Ordered Myself Black Silk Bed Sheets
There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
Nov
11
You Don’t Understand, If I Use This Turn Signal My Car Will Explode
The very moment I use my turning signal I will be blasted sky-high. You can imagine the headache this has brought upon me.
Nov
9
How to Impress People as a Dad
Stimulate Your Baby’s Senses: But avoid actual stimulants, like coffee and Red Bull.
Nov
8
7 Signs Your Grandmother May Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Don't be fooled by what may look like simple affection. This is a manipulation tactic meant to keep you emotionally reliant on the Narcissist.
Nov
7
My Client Would Never Rob a “Noodles & Company”
Is it even a crime to steal pasta? Oh right, it is.
Nov
6
I Didn’t Join This Dodgeball League for Christian Singles to Make Friends
I like to say we should glorify God in everything we do, but is it really “glorifying” the Lord when you’re sucking major ass in the dodgeball arena?
Nov
5
A Republican Politician Explains Abortion While Being Attacked by Lions
But please whisper these questions. I fell into this lion’s den at the zoo and the lions are sleeping. I want to keep it that way.
Nov
4
Warrior: I Voted in a Middle School Gym During a 6th Grade Basketball Game
I took an “I Voted” sticker and slapped it on. The anti-participation trophy faction in the stands booed this profusely.
Nov
2
Why I Like the Taste of Billionaire Boots
I have to defend the rich, so that in a theoretical future where I become ultra-wealthy, I can benefit the same way they do now.
Nov
1
The Fundraising Bots Are Planning a Heist
George Clooney here, I’m reaching out as a supporter of the Democratic party. Your time is valuable, so I’ll be blunt. We’re going to rob a casino.
Oct
31
Un-Pimp My Ride
You programmed the screens to only play "The Fast and the Furious"—my favorite movie... in 2006.
Oct
30
You Thought I Was Just Some Dad, Until I Did One Bad Pull-Up on These Monkey Bars
Now you’re thinking, “Wait, is that kid’s sexy childless uncle visiting from somewhere cool like Denmark?”
Oct
29
Guidelines for Attending (and Winning) the Opera
To follow the opera’s story, you don’t need to be fluent in Italian, German, or hieroglyphics.
Oct
28
Alternative Forms of Voter ID for Each State
North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)
Oct
28
My Halloween Costume Is Just Regular Clothes, but I Expect You to Guess What I Am
Fine, I’ll give you a hint: It’s a fictional human character from film, TV, video games, literature, or social media of the past 100 years.
Oct
26
What the Office Supplies You Steal from Work Say About You
Paper Clips (Smooth Finish): You know the best jazz bars. Your turntable was designed by a Nasa engineer. You run marathons but don’t appear to sweat.
Oct
25
Updated Professional Wrestling Gimmicks for the Gig Economy
The renowned Etsy enamel button maker takes on his evil counterpart, the mysterious masked man known as the Deviant Artist.
Oct
24
An NYT/Washington Post Fact Check of Laffy Taffy Jokes
The Claim: What did you call a pile of cats? (a Meowtain) Our Rating: FALSE. A group of cats is called a Clowder.
Oct
23
You’re Caught in a Bear Trap? I’m Not Falling for That Again
“I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Tight up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Oct
22
Whoops, Must Have Laughed Out Loud in This Busy Cafe at Something I Just Wrote
Obviously, nobody wants to hear the funny thing I wrote, right? I know you’re all staring at me, since my laugh set off the smoke alarms.
Oct
21
Dispatches from My Dad’s Visit to a Civil War Battlefield
Just glancing at this green expanse makes me burst with joy. It is the same feeling I had on my wedding day, and on the day you were born.
Oct
19
Thank You for Attending This Meeting to Address the Totally Unfounded Rumors of Layoffs That We Definitely Haven’t Had Planned for 6 Months
Take it from me, the CEO who only has your best interests at heart: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything
Oct
18
San Francisco Could Be a Great City, If It Weren’t for Their Baseball Team’s Mascot
Lou had the t-shirt cannon, we made hard eye contact, and then he shoots the cannon in the complete opposite direction.
Oct
17
Confession: I Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar
The crumbs in my bed sheets, the chocolate smear on my PJs—I don’t know, maybe I wanted to get caught.
Oct
16
Your Son Got a Sip of Dad’s Heineken and It’s Affecting His Performance in 3rd Grade
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
Oct
15
I’m Sorry My Newsletter Is Late
Let’s pray this doesn't happen a third time. For peace of mind, I encourage you to hug your loved ones, renew your passport, liquidate assets, etc.
Oct
14
Frequently Asked Questions About Our New AI-Powered Spaghetti
SpaghettAI involves unfathomable computing power, a series of data centers in Tuscany, and a gargantuan tub of tomato sauce in the metaverse.
Oct
12
A List of Excuses to Use If You’re a Rich Parent with a Badly Behaved Child
You think my child is a heinous sociopath because she killed your family cat? Ever heard of formaldehyde and Damien Hirst? It's called art.