NASA is almost certain that none of you are werewolves. However, to ensure the safety of our new lunar missions, we must consider every eventuality.
If you do go out, you’ll immediately start thinking about when you can leave. If you don’t go out, you’ll immediately start wishing you had.
If You’re Reading This, You’re Paying More Attention To The Road Than I Am
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a precious lil pup? Yes you are! Yes you are! Hmm, oh, yes, Mark, hello. Sorry, I was just saying hi to your dog Pepper.
Call me desensitized, but the only thing that really keeps me tapped in for My Favorite Celebrity is to see them risk it all—day after day, for months on end.
I urgently need your help after my latest extravagant shindig has left my estate in shambles. Look here, old sports.
"Existential Risk": You testified before Congress that this technology could end humanity. You also had a product launch that Thursday and it went great.
A Nebraskan tire center I used once on a road trip seven years ago: We’re feeling a little deflated today, and wheel miss you as a valued customer.
What makes the spills so frequent, the meets so cute? Is it the cheap, lopsided mugs?
What, because I talk funny? Because I called your saloon a coworking pod? Because I palo santoed your game of Texas hold ‘em?
The high school cafeteria comes into surreal focus.... Excellent! Loved high school!
“Oh. Well, I could try to grow a beard?” the Beast offers. “It’s just that it usually comes in kind of patchy."
May strategists be with you and bless you, May you see your children’s children become nepo babies.
Let’s call it a reverse Turing Test designed to plumb the depths of human stupidity.
Hot Foods in the Wintertime or Cold Foods in the Summertime: This one’s a real bummer.
I’m inconveniently tiny. Inexplicably tiny. Infuriatingly tiny. If you didn’t have anger issues before, you do now.
What is the probability that at least one participant is both caffeinated and chatty?
This is my way of telling you at home, bald and not camera ready, that your safety means more to me than my hair.
I don’t want you to fight for me. Believe me, a disproportionate amount of effort will be needed to capture me. I need you to know that I am not worth it.
We simply want to take our committed relationship and invite in the chaotic meaninglessness of a vast and expanding universe.
Forward to 10 coworkers to lay them off for us, or get 9 years bad luck in your job search. 👋🍑
Try to get to the airport a few days early if traveling during the summer flying season.
I'll be honest, I expected to hate you. I thought our relationship would be filled with searing pain, occasional blood, and lots of tears.
Our universe needs a leader who will fight for you, and I am confident I will be that leader.
The average American couldn’t even locate their core, even if it was part of their own body, which it most definitely is.
The man drains my battery from the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep, leaving only a few hours for me to charge overnight.
When saying my precious, her vocal fry sends you into a murderous rage
The whole restaurant glares as you fling your body away from the table like you’re protecting the commander-in-chief.
The 2-Month Regression: Your baby is developing so fast! Too fast, actually.
I am not entirely sure why I was so confident that this February would have an extra day.
Lately you’ve become… extremely cluttered. And not in a quirky, millennial-bookstore way.
It was a tough decision to resign from plugging images looking my most beautiful on the best day of my life, but something I finally felt ready to do.
I don't want to keep this depression seasonal anymore. I’m ready to be your year-round crisis.
2:44 P.M.: Sad girl where is my hubba bubblegrunge corporate bluesy Friday afternoon. Try some: can legitimate men wear muscle tees, what is a pre-nup
He ruined the endings of TV shows, some of which haven’t been made yet. He reminded me to shovel the snow in July.
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
Life is never blue when I’m with you. P.S. What’s blue?
We are an innovative industry leader that thrives on teamwork, dedication, and low-key sexual energy.
- The Checkers Dream Ballet - Tarnation! Elation! But Howd’ya Spell Crustation?
I hope you’re walking somewhere along the western coast of the United States and that you find this bottle before our wedding on Thursday.
7:00 A.M.: Threw away my eye patch. Since I no longer have alcohol-induced optic neuropathy in my left eye I “SEE” no sense in keeping it.
How much you love strong coffee and hate weak coffee // How weak your parents make coffee
Will everyone agree that getting your hand stuck in the toilet actually a really common occurrence?
Regarding Alert 4, "Hurricane Steve Who Can't Keep It In His Pants" will not make landfall anytime soon.
The tattoos on our baristas do not rub off with a wet rag and those are actually real live septum piercings. If you don’t believe us, give one a tug.
But this time we’re producing our biggest blockbuster yet—our sweet, precious nepo baby!
Have you ever considered capitalization? NO. i mean
What should I do? If that dish is untouched at the end of the night they'll link it back to me and never invite me to a potluck again.
When we were imagining this house, I had an idea. A vision. I drew it on the back of an old napkin from the Copacabana. I called Steven, Spielberg.
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
It feels like "Diamond" David Lee Roth consulted a crystal ball and observed the world of 2026 before penning classics like "Drop Dead Legs."
My office’s view (a frozen summit in the Scythian Mountains) is gorg. But the taste of raw liver is growing bland.
I’ll immediately learn invaluable and often extremely time sensitive information about your health. Will I tell you? Hahaha. No.
Was it like that at the hideout and in the getaway car coming here, and no one told him? Oof. No one must like this guy.
I have a hunch: The killer might just need some space right now.
Sorry. This is awkward. We, uh, you know. On a raft? That was also a car? That you drove straight into the water?
Cherished by all, the 90-minute movie entertained audiences with a well-told tale that did not require one clear an entire day to watch it.
Step toward the exit and say, “I’m off to contemplate my own inadequacy in the sculpture garden. It’s performance art in motion.”
There’s a secret to eating well on a tight budget. That secret is to not do it.
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
Records indicate your lawn has not been maintained since 1194 BCE.
You can resume your nap shortly, sir, but right now, this crew needs your support.
10th-grade math teacher: Once a year, on your birthday, you drink a full pint of vodka, walk into your closet, and scream.
Thus my look is doing double duty tonight, I want it to look subtle, yet regicidal– REGAL. Regal is what I did mean.
If you are calling from inside a vehicle sinking into a body of water, press 9, and a transcript of your final words will be faxed to an address you provide.
I have even espied in my continued studying, womyn folk who call forthe the ensorcelled chariots filled with Maccedonaldes.
I am not famous, and my publisher is small, so I didn’t expect the likes of Bernie Madoff or Elizabeth Holmes to come calling.
We all know the cobra has been part of our company since its very beginning, back in that little office over the combined schnitzel house and shoe repair.
Noah's Ark: No disrespect but the boat? It's level. No wobbling.
You all did see my resume, right? I double majored in Philosophy and Theater at Fordham.
I think the last person to see it was our tour guide, Henrik. Please respond with his phone number. Or Instagram works too.
One must imagine Sisyphus nice, warm, ready to sizzle like a fajita. Let's get loose. Let's turn resistance up to 35. Let's make our revolt visible.
When the milk you spilled gets into every crevice of your floor, stove, and cupboards, making everything permanently sticky.
Committed identity theft by using a credit card I found on the ground to buy a new pair of toe socks.
When I explain to them that this has never happened before and it’s only because I’m not wearing the proper attire, they laugh even harder.
- Painting the nails on your dominant hand - Helping bring all your groceries inside in one trip
You may have noticed your belly button is blinking blue.
Our van broke down, and we’re asking generous, conventionally attractive fans to help get us back on the road.
If humans were meant to be comfortable, they would evolve like the AI technology powered by our abundant data centers.
From Bob Cratchit: A simple "thank you" note. "Neatly folded. Handwritten and handmade—on my office stationery. Pay docked for materials."
I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
WOULD: Portable Manger. Mamas, this is a must. I loved having this when I was praying, prostrating, or getting my nails done with the girls.
And, so, I looked over my notes from your lesson and I figured it out. Boom. Just like that. Did it. Done. I proofread it, named it, kissed it, and then my dog ate it.
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.
There is evidence that Festerman did correct people on the Gandhi misattribution but there is no evidence he actually felt better about himself.
I want you to unzip that undersized bag of dried sweet potato jerky and peel it apart... Use your teeth baby, too stale?
This year's most-voted-for reader faves include humor about Satan, the moon landing, and... awkward silences.
10:24 P.M.: Has that older dude with frosted tips requested “Every Morning” yet? He always does.
I got sidetracked into reading a biography of the book’s author instead.
I cannot abide the vulgar shoptalk of striving strangers who demand to know, “Where do you find your inspiration?”
Bleu De Gex: Known for its blue veins, it is aged for three weeks with Penicillium roqueforti, and cannot be legally sold in the continental United States.
It’s been a few weeks now and you won’t stop looking at me in contempt. Every time you open your wallet and see me, you scoff.
Now there’s only 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 16 seconds left! Can’t you feel the gravity of this situation? Better get that CVV number quick!
Then, as if predestined by God himself, I walked into the bathroom at 3:45 PM and there you were: my new best friend.
Our "Best of 2025" picks feature party planners, new chess pieces, sewer dwellers, Kyle Energy, and more!
One photo of Jalen Hurts missing a three-foot putt on the practice green or Lane Johnson’s AOL screen name from 2007 can be enough to set you up for months.
- The Great British Baking Show - Potty training the puppy - Finding a spot during alternate-side parking
I’m so nervous, the sweat on my palms is boiling.