Thanks Tom.

I’m coming to you live outside in a baseball cap with our station’s call sign on it, so you know this storm is very serious.

I’m currently standing at familiar intersection to convey that this freezing rain is nothing to be trifled with.

If my camera man, who’s name escapes me—I want to say Jim? Let’s go with Jim. If Jim would follow me this way, you’ll notice that this object that typically is not frozen now appears to be quite frozen. If Jake could go ahead and zoom in to show the iciness—ok, that’s enough—back to me. This once again drives the point home, along with my hat, that this storm is very dangerous.

My perfectly coiffed hair is covered by hat. This is my way of telling you at home, bald and not camera ready, that your safety means more to me than my hair. A little bit more.

Notice that, along with hat, I’m also wearing coat. Coat plus hat, both with stations call signs making you wonder where we even get these, equals several road closures and the possibility of rolling blackouts. It is imperative that you look into my eyes, under brim of hat, when I say that you must stay home on your Costco furniture.

I’m now standing on top of debris from this storm in hopes that the talent scouts from Today or Good Morning America see this. I would absolutely take CBS This Morning but if I’m being honest with you, homely viewer, I would prefer if it was one of the other two.

Tom, the conditions out here are beginning to worsen as the freezing rain has become a fairly dense snowfall. You’ll notice the thick flurries gathering atop of hat. I’ve also added a pair of gloves to the ensemble, signaling to Joe Schmo at home that I’m just like you. Only on television.

On television with hat.

It’s not that CBS This Morning wouldn’t be a great step for my career. I simply feel that Today or GMA can be more easily parlayed into a seat at the anchor’s desk.

I’m now going to rattle off a list of meteorology terms you all love: Black Ice, Bomb Cyclone, Gale Force Winds, Thunder Snow, Dragons Air, Ice Nuke, Gail Force Winds, and Hurriquake.

Remember to stick with us through our around the clock coverage of this Nor’easter, another sexy storm word. I’ll be covering all the breaking news in hat until we thaw out. Once conditions improve, I will remove jacket revealing an unbelievably tight black t-shirt. This will put my Hugh Jackman arms on full display. I work incredibly odd hours so my gym is typically empty for my two-three hour strict upper body sessions. I never do legs. You will never see my legs. Even if there is a job opening for one of Miami’s local stations, which I am very open to, I will never wear shorts. Only hat.

The t-shirt will be so tight you will be able to clearly see my Batman Forever nipples. Your wife will lean over on your Kirkland Brand couch and say, “Are those his nipples?” They sure are. I got them done during my Journalism studies at Mizzou while perfecting my non-regional dialect.

I’m going to send it back to you in studio, Tom. When you need me, I’ll be here, reporting live.

Live, in hat.