In Defense of Drinking Gravy
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
Tag: Observations
How I Imagined Life with a Puppy, Before I Got a Puppy
When my girlfriend walks away, she doesn’t follow her. She stays with me because I’m nurturing and friendly and like, super cool.
Coldness and Despair? January Is Here!
Making January fly by depends upon how much, or how little, you acknowledge in your mind that it's actually January.
This Halloween, My Son, You Will Dominate the Streets
It’s a zero-sum game out there. Every piece of candy you don’t get goes into the gaping, cavity-filled maw of some other kid.
An Open Letter to Couples on Venmo Who Desperately Need a Joint Bank Account
I scroll through my Venmo feed with fervor, finding out more about your lives from a cash app than I do from the photos you share on Instagram.
Unwritten Laws That Are Laws Nevertheless, and the Advice of Counsel Is Not to Flout Them
When a store cashier asks if you found everything you need, it is against the law to say, ''No, I couldn't find granola with almonds and raisins.''
An Open Letter to People Who Bag Their Dog’s Poo Only to Leave It Behind as Litter
Let me guess, you didn’t want to carry it around with you for the rest of your walk and you planned on picking it up on your way home?
An Open Letter to Fall Out Boy Regarding All the Incorrect Lyrics I’ve Been Singing for the Last Decade and a Half
Now, I’ll admit. I knew the words that I was singing were not in fact “words.” They were more like syllables strung together.
Hey, What Day Is It?
I woke up today thinking it was Thursday, but it turns out it might be Tuesday. I’m not really sure because both of them start with a “T.”
It’s Me, Winter, and I Can Hear All You Assholes Talking About How Much You Fucking Love Fall
I know it’s cold and you warm-blooded, furless, pansies are sensitive, but is it too much to ask for someone to say, “I’m SO excited for Winter!”
Other Objectively Bad Things Joe Biden Won’t End
Joe won’t end gas stations sometimes having bathrooms but sometimes definitely not, with no discernable reason why.
Choose Your Own University-Approved Pandemic Teaching Option
You must create a class that can be started online, moved to in-person, then back online, all simultaneously. You have the weekend to figure it out.