One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
Weather forecasters have been getting threatening messages lately. But to be optimistic they’re calling them “partly non-threatening.”
At the end of the ceremony the priest hit the groom over the head with a two-by-four and the groom in turn kicked the bride in the stomach. We knew it was all scripted but appreciated the effort to make a boring event somewhat amusing.
When we got to the restaurant I was asked if I had reservations. I said some but we'll eat here anyway.
Some politicians stand for the truth. As its replacement.
The full moon looked angry as it rose. Or perhaps it was just a phase.
Unskippable Army ads on YouTube make me root for the terrorists.
Hieroglyphs, lately discovered scratched in a wall in Tutankhamun’s tomb: “You must be joking!! Can’t a pharaoh oversleep once like everyone else??”
On the first day, God said “Let there be light” and there were overhead fluorescent lights. God saw the light, that it was bad. He regretted His lack of specificity.
Why am I not scared of haunted houses? I don't know, nothing jumps out at me.
In relationships I'm like a tech entrepreneur: fail fast and fail forward (into my spaghetti).
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.
Before you act, ask yourself, is this: My circus? My monkey?
Life is like a Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying! Details to follow…”
This morning I decided to break an old habit and put on my left shoe first. Now they are on the wrong feet.
Too late for coffee, too early for wine: the unhappy hour.
Why don't people keep giraffes as pets? Because choosing a name for giraffes is not easy.
In my dreams I’m on Jeopardy! and they’re asking questions only about my family. The host says, “Aunt Mimi,” and I buzz in. “Who is Rob’s wife?” “Correct.” “Aunts for a thousand.”
Got a pony for my birthday. It got a sore throat so I took it to the vet. The vet said it was just a little horse.
Literary spin-offs I completed during the pandemic: “Journey to the Center of My Couch,” “One Trapped in the Cuckoo's Nest,” “Little House Wanted on the Prairie,” “Every Man is an Island.”