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Here at the National Weather Service, we pride ourselves on accuracy, which is why at any given moment at any given weather station we have a man licking his finger and holding it in the air.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!

Damn, the Twin Towers really did everything together.

You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.

I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.

I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.

Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.

Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”

People refer to us as a spiritual couple but I think they just mean poor.

Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.

I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.

I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.

Groundhog Day means six more weeks of winter. Ground Beef Week means we’re eating like kings.

Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.

I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.

My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.

The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.

Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.

Strong passwords must exercise regularly to maintain their strength.