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If you're having trouble writing a book, try writing two books. You will end up writing a book in the process.
Why don't aliens wear clothes? Because it's always dark in space.
I think “renting your body” is a better description for prostitution than “selling your body.” Imagine someone says they're “selling their house” but you find out that they're just letting people have sex with the house for $200 an hour.
I had to split with my boyfriend last week. He was taking too many risks on his Yamaha. The last straw was playing Mozart's “Requiem” blindfolded.
I always put my coffee grounds in the compost pile. I like the idea of keeping those damn raccoons up all day.
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said “used car salesman,” so I suppose it's time for me to lose a few morals.
5 Easy Steps to Manage a Panic Attack from Someone Currently Having One
Step 1: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 2: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 3: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 4: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 5: The 4-7-8 Breathing Method
“Would you quit your honking. I’m going as fast as I can!” But the duck wasn’t finished telling his story.
Love is something you’re in, like tall boxes you can’t jump high enough to see over the edge of, or escape from, or scream loud enough for someone to hear you and cut a hole in to rescue you.
Hypochondria is best cured by letting people who think they're doctors treat people who think they're sick.
In this week’s episode, the Property Brothers travel to Tatooine to help Jabba transform a decrepit fixer-upper into his Forever Hutt.
Remember: Standing up for yourself is the first step to sitting back down for yourself.
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic.
My background in writing and editing has perfectly prepared me for my job as a preschool teacher. After all, I am experienced in fixing people’s mistakes.
Told my co-worker we should form a union. We have now been happily married for 12 years.
Have you heard the joke about the airplane that flew forever? Yeah, it never landed.
Children should be seen and not run over.
Some people are afraid of artificial intelligence. I think they should be more afraid of natural stupidity.
My friend has multiple personalities. But he's good people.
Top 5 Worst Places to Be Shot
1. The Gap
2. The hip
3. In line for the waterslide (near top)
4. The Head… and the Heart revival tour
5. During a traffic stop on your way to an interview at The Gap