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If it smells like toast, walks like toast, and talks like toast, you are taking some powerful drugs.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of petty recriminations, narcissistic fantasies, and repetitive loops of boring shit and predictable disappointments you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half. It turns out I have opposable thumbs.

I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”

Chipotle’s new robot “Autocado” cuts guacamole production time in half. And their even newer robot “E-Lemon-ador” will gun you down if you put lemonade in your water cup.

My depression has been so bad lately, I think my dog is catching it. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he looked at me for a long time, sighed, and said, “What’s the point? I’m just going to end up back at the same place I am now.”

In school they tell you history doesn’t repeat itself. But it does if you fail all the tests.

What happened to pirates? They went from plundering the seven seas to stealing my Amazon order at 3 in the morning.

Two hippies are driving to a concert. The driver says to the passenger, “Look out the window, and tell me if my blinker is working.” The passenger looks out the window and says, “Yes. No. Yes. No…”

A month ago my girlfriend convinced me to go full vegan. After eating two to three pounds of hay for every meal since then, I’ve come to the conclusion that love is overrated.

Who do I talk to about new punctuation for rhetorical questions? I mean, really?!

I always wanted to be a psychic, but some things just don’t turn out how you imagine.

“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us,” said Tiny Tim. “I agree, and to be honest, I think that’s mostly my fault,” said Enormous Tim.

I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.

What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.

What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.

Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.

When I could travel in time, I would travel back to the moment I wrote the first word of this sentence and change it to “If.”

Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.

What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.