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Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.

Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–

I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.

I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.

Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.