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My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.

If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.

If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.

They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.

My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.

Which book about decision making should I read first?

What was that word again? Oh yea, “unforgettable.”

Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.

Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!

The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.

Today is the first day of the rest of my week.

Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”

Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.

How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?


“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.

The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.

RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.

My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.

To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?