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Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.

The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.

Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.

If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.

Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.

If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.

A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.

I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.

If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.

I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.

To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.

When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.

I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.

It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.

Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.

Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.

Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.

I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.

If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.

They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.