One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
Hieroglyphs, lately discovered scratched in a wall in Tutankhamun’s tomb: “You must be joking!! Can’t a pharaoh oversleep once like everyone else??”
On the first day, God said “Let there be light” and there were overhead fluorescent lights. God saw the light, that it was bad. He regretted His lack of specificity.
Why am I not scared of haunted houses? I don't know, nothing jumps out at me.
In relationships I'm like a tech entrepreneur: fail fast and fail forward (into my spaghetti).
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.
Before you act, ask yourself, is this: My circus? My monkey?
Life is like a Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying! Details to follow…”
This morning I decided to break an old habit and put on my left shoe first. Now they are on the wrong feet.
Too late for coffee, too early for wine: the unhappy hour.
Why don't people keep giraffes as pets? Because choosing a name for giraffes is not easy.
In my dreams I’m on Jeopardy! and they’re asking questions only about my family. The host says, “Aunt Mimi,” and I buzz in. “Who is Rob’s wife?” “Correct.” “Aunts for a thousand.”
Got a pony for my birthday. It got a sore throat so I took it to the vet. The vet said it was just a little horse.
Literary spin-offs I completed during the pandemic: “Journey to the Center of My Couch,” “One Trapped in the Cuckoo's Nest,” “Little House Wanted on the Prairie,” “Every Man is an Island.”
If it smells like toast, walks like toast, and talks like toast, you are taking some powerful drugs.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of petty recriminations, narcissistic fantasies, and repetitive loops of boring shit and predictable disappointments you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half. It turns out I have opposable thumbs.
I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”
Chipotle’s new robot “Autocado” cuts guacamole production time in half. And their even newer robot “E-Lemon-ador” will gun you down if you put lemonade in your water cup.
My depression has been so bad lately, I think my dog is catching it. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he looked at me for a long time, sighed, and said, “What’s the point? I’m just going to end up back at the same place I am now.”