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I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?

Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.

When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.

Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.

You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.

You are not you're mistakes.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?

What is the difference between a poet and a CEO?
A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.

A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.

Frugal church seeks organ donor.

My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.

It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.

—First name?
—Sir Jeff.

Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.

Hanging with art friends and repeatedly pointing at graffiti and shouting “Is THAT a Banksy?!” until they snap.

They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.

For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.

Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.