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At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.

How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?

If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.

I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.

The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.

I want to write a novel about Schrödinger’s Cat, but I don't know if there's a story there or not.

I’m a mnmlst.

A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”

After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.

“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.

I used to do a lot of Shakespeare in the park, or, as the Chicago Police like to call it, “Drunk and Disorderly Conduct.”

This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?

I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.