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People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.

“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.

If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.

What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?

My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.

When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.

Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.

Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”

“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”

Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.

People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”

Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.

I'm built different. Worse.

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.