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The scariest thing about ghosts is learning that “boo” isn't just an arbitrary sound, it's explicit disapproval.
What do lionesses call a male without a mane? “Just a friend.”
I realized I might be a workaholic when I started needing to put a little work in my morning coffee.
I'm a triple threat: great at singing and horrible at counting.
I just went on a date with an optometrist. She's gonna see another guy later and tell us which is better: 1 or 2.
Live your life like you will have something to say when a sadistic monster asks everyone in the meeting to share something interesting about themselves.
I don't believe in sex after marriage.
I'm a recovering workaholic. I haven't had a job for six years.
Doctors are currently fighting a civil war over the correct interpretation of the hippocratic oath.
Early paternity tests were only 50% effective: they told you that the child has a father, but they couldn't tell you who it was.
Counterpoint: Yes worries.
A shy pastor is one who waits for the choir boy to make the first move.
Perhaps our scientists should get to work finding a way to harvest hindsight so that they don't regret it later when they find out that's what they should have been doing all along.
If you're having trouble writing a book, try writing two books. You will end up writing a book in the process.
Why don't aliens wear clothes? Because it's always dark in space.
I think “renting your body” is a better description for prostitution than “selling your body.” Imagine someone says they're “selling their house” but you find out that they're just letting people have sex with the house for $200 an hour.
I had to split with my boyfriend last week. He was taking too many risks on his Yamaha. The last straw was playing Mozart's “Requiem” blindfolded.
I always put my coffee grounds in the compost pile. I like the idea of keeping those damn raccoons up all day.
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said “used car salesman,” so I suppose it's time for me to lose a few morals.
5 Easy Steps to Manage a Panic Attack from Someone Currently Having One
Step 1: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 2: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 3: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 4: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 5: The 4-7-8 Breathing Method