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Girl of my dreams: loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”

There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.

What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”

For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?

Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.

Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.

“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door

I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Working Titles for Summer 2021:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer

Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”

Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.

None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.

Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.