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My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.

Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.

“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.

Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.

When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.

Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.

Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.

I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.

He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.

Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!

Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!

I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.

I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.

My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.

“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (: