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How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?

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“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.

The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.

RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.

My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.

To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?

Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.

I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.

*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?

Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.

“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.

I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.

If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?

If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.

“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”

“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”

Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.

Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.