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Sorry for my smelling mistakes.

You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.

The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”

I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.

I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.

I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.

Do dogs know they have bones inside them?

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.

If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.

It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.

It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.

I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.

I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.

My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.

Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?

If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.

Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.

Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.

I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.