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This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?

I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.

My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.

“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato

I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”

I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.

I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?

You may not believe that contractions are difficult for me to use correctly, but they’re.

Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.

It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.

I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.

Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.

When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”

The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.

We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.

Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.

Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”

Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.

I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?