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“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet ponders after Romeo turned his phone location off after getting “drinks with the boys.”

God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”

If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?

I'm a gumball, and the secret to withstanding inflation is really just a hard, protective shell.

Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.

When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.

Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.

Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.

I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.

No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.

Tell a man a joke and he laughs for a second. Teach a man a joke and someone else laughs for a second, later.

When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.

Here at the National Weather Service, we pride ourselves on accuracy, which is why at any given moment at any given weather station we have a man licking his finger and holding it in the air.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!

Damn, the Twin Towers really did everything together.

You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.

I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.

I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.

Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.

Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”