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It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.

If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?

*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”

My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.

It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.

Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.

If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.

When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.

You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.

I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.

Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?

I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.

I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.

Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.

When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.

My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”

As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.