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What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.

Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.

When I could travel in time, I would travel back to the moment I wrote the first word of this sentence and change it to “If.”

Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.

What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.

Using a laptop at a standing desk makes you look like the saddest corporate DJ of all time.

“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet ponders after Romeo turned his phone location off after getting “drinks with the boys.”

God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”

If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?

I'm a gumball, and the secret to withstanding inflation is really just a hard, protective shell.

Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.

When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.

Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.

Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.

I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.

No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.

Tell a man a joke and he laughs for a second. Teach a man a joke and someone else laughs for a second, later.

When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.

Here at the National Weather Service, we pride ourselves on accuracy, which is why at any given moment at any given weather station we have a man licking his finger and holding it in the air.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!