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Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.

We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.