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Some people say video games lead to violence. I say we should kill those people.
“I don’t watch porn because it’s too unrealistic.” -Guy with 20-inch penis
Five Word Horror Story: “Sorry, your insurance doesn’t cover…”
Are you tired and listless? Run down? Feeling like life is passing you by? I thought so.
Perforated eardrum (n.): A condition diagnosed by one’s toddler as they shove a LEGO brick progressively deeper into a parent’s ear until the answer to “Does it hurt?” is “yes.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like non sequiturs.
All the good ghost writers are dead.
I'd describe the band Chicago as somewhere between Kansas and Boston.
“Man finds his stolen bike using an iPhone.” So maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it had just called some friends to come pick it up.
The next species to become extinct will be the brain-eating amoeba.
I don’t like when dogs hump things because they’re not even that good looking.
We've never sent a conspiracy theorist to the moon. That can't be a coincidence.
“It's not you. It's the fact that we are now the subject of a reality show on TLC.”
I'm a double threat. Acting, and I have a knife.
On Sunday, I pulled a fossilized pistol out of the creek by my home. The scrawled initials read “T. Rex,” and I marveled as I cradled a relic of the world’s most dangerous small arms dealer.
My spouse and I have been through everything together. It's what you sign up for when you marry a crash test dummy.
They say the early bird catches the worm. So sleep in late, or else a morning person will murder you.
My personal trainer just spent thirty minutes telling me about their open relationship and I think that's a little too personal.
Film about someone else: biopic. Film about yourself: myopic.
I'm the kind of person who claps when the plane crashes.