“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.

Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–

I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.