“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer

There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.

I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.

People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”

Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.

A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”

It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.

When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”

I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.

If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.

People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”

Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!

Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.