Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.