“One more time, and this time with filling!” exclaimed the director of Jelly Donuts Gone Wild.
My wife asked me if I preferred to be buried or cremated. I said “surprise me.”
I was picked up and held by the police because, sometimes, I just need to be held.
My dad caught me smoking cigarettes and made me finish the whole pack. Then he caught me looking at his Playboys and made me masturbate to every single page.
I don’t like when dogs hump things because they’re not even that good looking.
My spouse and I have been through everything together. It’s what you sign up for when you marry a crash test dummy.
They say the early bird catches the worm. So sleep in late, or else a morning person will murder you.
I’m the kind of person who claps when the plane crashes.
I realized I might be a workaholic when I started needing to put a little work in my morning coffee.
Doctors are currently fighting a civil war over the correct interpretation of the hippocratic oath.
Perhaps our scientists should get to work finding a way to harvest hindsight so that they don’t regret it later when they find out that’s what they should have been doing all along.
Why don’t aliens wear clothes? Because it’s always dark in space.
I weighed myself this morning and the scale said “used car salesman,” so I suppose it’s time for me to lose a few morals.
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic.
I made a controversial joke at the annual National Victoms of Strokes Conevntion. Only half the room laughed.
Humans are way more efficient than cars. I’ve walked thousands of miles in my life and only drank 1, 2 gallons of gasoline, tops.
At the end of the ceremony the priest hit the groom over the head with a two-by-four and the groom in turn kicked the bride in the stomach. We knew it was all scripted but appreciated the effort to make a boring event somewhat amusing.
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.
Why don’t people keep giraffes as pets? Because choosing a name for giraffes is not easy.
One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half. It turns out I have opposable thumbs.