I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.

If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.

People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”

Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!

Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.


Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.

I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.

Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?

I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.

Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.

Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.

I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.

I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.

Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.

I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.

The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.

You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.