Two hippies are driving to a concert. The driver says to the passenger, “Look out the window, and tell me if my blinker is working.” The passenger looks out the window and says, “Yes. No. Yes. No…”

I always wanted to be a psychic, but some things just don’t turn out how you imagine.

What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.

Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.

Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”

I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.

“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”

The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer

There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.

I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.

People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”

Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.