At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.

A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”

It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.

When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”

I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.

If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.

People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”

Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!

Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.


Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.

I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.

Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?

I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.

Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.

Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.