You’re invited to a birthday get-together for Trigger!

It's time again to celebrate our beloved little Scarface-quoting third-grader. He’s the reason your kid knows what ketamine is. He’s why that one substitute teacher is in the Witness Protection Program. And he’s having his party at a venue you’ll struggle to believe is legal.

He’s also standing over us demanding to know how many people are coming, so please read this text in full and respond now even though it’s 3 AM.

If you’ve been to one of Trigger’s birthdays, you know how quickly he habituates to high-octane activities. So we’re upping the ante, and you can bet that this year’s party will make you even more nervous for your child’s well-being than the one last year at the boxing gym. Or the year before at the trampoline park, where Trigger insisted we cut all the lights and douse the mats with canola oil.

We’re taking the little guy to HANK’S HUMAN CANNON WORLD!

That’s right, Hank is back in business now that he’s out of energy drink rehab. So join us for a day filled with fun, food, and children shooting themselves out of cannons at each other.

We know Hank’s isn’t for everyone, but remember that this isn’t about you, but about Trigger, who we should celebrate for leaving his mark on all of us (bite marks or otherwise). Plus, do you want your child to feel left out? You can be sure that the sole topic of lunchroom conversation for the remainder of third grade will be this party and its attendant orthopedic fallout.

So what’s worse, a little Level II Concussion or FOMO?

The party is this Saturday during the time slot that screws up your existing plans the most. Entrance fee is $215, which covers the following:

  • Official Circus Cannon Field Map
  • One Styrofoam helmet
  • Three trips to the regular Porta-Potty OR two trips to the Premium Porta-Potty with a door
  • A small contribution to local charity “Hank’s Angels” (The charity is Hank’s legal defense fund [There’s really just one angel {It’s Hank}])

Hank’s Human Cannon World is not responsible for any injuries sustained on the Cannon Field, but any upper limb fracture does entitle your child to one of their famous “Broke it at Hank’s” arm slings.

We’ll send a list of Trigger’s current possessions so you don’t buy him something he already has. Otherwise he’ll launch into one of his classic roasts, making fun of whatever body part your child is most insecure about (e.g. “Hey T. Rex Arms, what the fuck am I gonna do with another Frisbee?”). And we’ll probably go along with it, not because we think it’s funny, but because we are scared of him.

No need to bring any food or drinks—we will make sure your child leaves fed and teetering on the verge of food dye psychosis. We’ll have plenty of double-iced rainbow sheet cake, as well as Trigger’s favorite beverages: Hawaiian Punch, Hawaiian Punch Berry Rush, and creamer. We have no idea when we’re going to serve all of this, but we’ll manage to time it perfectly so your kid’s blood glucose spikes violently right at bedtime.

If your child has food allergies, please let us know so we can give your invite to someone else.

And don’t worry, parents, just because the kids are having fun doesn’t mean the adults can’t have a good time too! We know you’ll be monitoring your child with the hyper-vigilance of an army infantryman on night watch in enemy territory, but we’re going to ask you tons of probing questions anyways. Don and I have recently been exploring polyamory and would love to get to know you better! What’s your waist size? Isn’t Hank hot?

Can’t wait to see you there! In the meantime, be on the lookout for birthday invites for the rest of our beloved octuplets.