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There’s nothing I love more than hearing all types of fireworks one after the other. Sometimes it’s a bunch of little ones; like 25 in a row.
I definitely don’t lay in bed motionless, hovering between sleep and wakefulness, until finally my hungry cat comes and scream-meows in my face.
Did you know that Bill Gates actually invented racism? It’s something he put in all the vaccines. ALL OF THEM. But no, you probably don’t want to hear that
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.
While you were once regaled with the chimes of wedding bells, you now shrivel before a vinegary antipasto and await the crushing gavel of defeat.
Think of me as the gamma-ray to your Bruce Banner, only I give you none of the superpowers and all of the anger.
Oh, and instead of those dozens of legs you’re used to, you’ll have six legs and there’ll be basically tongues on the end of each of them.
Quantum teleportation. Do you need more reasons? If we had teleportation machines, then highway traffic and accidents wouldn’t be a problem.
Have you been sculpting a triumphal arch, but can’t nail the reliefs? Are you hammering away at that sarcophagus, but the measurements are all off?
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters: Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins.
Our patented "Mega Explosion" technology will detonate into the shape of the Union Jack, then a middle finger, followed by the word “America.”
Strawberry Mayonnaise Daiquiris: Sounds terrible, right? The first few are, but I’m on my third one now and I can’t even taste them anymore.