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Patrick Coyne

Patrick Coyne is a writer from Philadelphia. His work has appeared in Mcsweeney's, National Lampoon, Cracked, Splitsider, and other sites.

Comedy Writing

Studies show hex recipients can lose 6-98% of their body weight, with some dropping as much as one pound every hour.

Will everyone agree that getting your hand stuck in the toilet actually a really common occurrence?

It feels like "Diamond" David Lee Roth consulted a crystal ball and observed the world of 2026 before penning classics like "Drop Dead Legs."

After four down and out years, hardcore MAGA uncle Rick has regained his mojo with Trump back in office.

A description of discontinued candy bars: You know what’s better than not getting candy? Hearing about candy you’ll never get to enjoy ever.

Also, I was just joking when I said in my initial email that I would fold the report into a paper airplane and dart it at your bulbous ass.

I still don’t even really know what an em dash is. Or care to know for that matter.

I mean just like, with the armed robbery in general, how do you think it’s going? Is this comparable to other bank robberies you’ve been through?

These here are magic coins that live inside yer lightning box, protected by some new-fangled doohickey called a “blockchain.”

Obviously, not eating tacos isn’t an option, so here’s some helpful ways to hide your undignified devouring.

However, I’m 86% certain that Fitzgerald never references a “$5 chicken meal deal from the McValue Menu,” right?

Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.