Funny Lists

Weekly funny lists for readers on the go. Quizzes

Rejected Muppets

Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.

2 months: Reaches for objects despite knowing they will only end up possessing him in return

Lower back pain that sets in after approximately half an hour of immobility.

The achievement of seeing the “You’re all caught up!” message on Instagram. / Actually, make that three mosquitos in the shower.

Add “new money” to my Instagram bio. / Start waving the way the Royals do.

9:05 AM: Speed read The Divine Comedy in peripheral vision while sending text. Arrive. Leave.

Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old

Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”

"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."

“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)

There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.

North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)