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List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers

Get hype for "Damn It Feels Good To Be A State-Sponsored Social Media Influencer," "Obey Tha Police," and "Putin Said Knock You Out."

Taurus: The Seneca Park Zoo believes they don’t need a sign telling people not to swim in the polar bear enclosure. You will prove them wrong.

Resting Pitch Face – Appears on the verge of talking to you about his screenplay, TV pilot, or tech startup (avoid elevators).

RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.

Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. #yogaeverydamnday

Number 10 is Just a Number Before Number 11 and One Number After 9 and I Just Relieved Myself In My Pants---See What Happens Next

The Foul-Tempered Oboe: Quicker to anger than the clavier, will just as soon stab you with a double-reed as look at you.

CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG Pooped on My Lawn Again After I Specifically Told those Kids to Keep Him off It

Water, harvested from the tears of children whose daddies didn't mean to yell, but dammit it's been a long week, and he's told you three times now.

"For a long time, I didn't care. But now it's been six years since my last promotion, and that has me thinking." —Zachary Easton, Coder