Ways to Say No to Drugs While Still Looking Cool
“Sorry, I can’t, I’m doing drugs later with a different group of cooler kids.”
Comedy Writing
You All Know Nothing About My Perfectly Normal Relationship!
Well, I bet you all felt pretty stupid a month later when we got divorced. You all are just wrong time after time.
With a Cursory Knowledge of 3D Animation and a Controlled Dose of a Psychoactive Substance, I’m the Man for Your Bowling Alley Score Screen Needs
You are entropy incarnate. Which is captured much more accurately by this clip of a frog with long, sexy lady legs that burps up the word "Strike."
The 10 Commandments (Taylor’s Version)
2. (Taylor’s Version) Thou shalt not throw shade on my name or thy will face the wrath of hundreds of vengeful Swifites online.
It’s Your First Day at Target, Any Questions Can Be Answered by the Giant Red Orbs Out Front
The customer is always right, unless they contradict an utterance bequeathed by the orbs.
Excerpts from the New Philosophy 101 Textbook, Sponsored by Toyota
Hereclitus’ principle of unity in opposites can best be illustrated by the Toyota Sienna.
I’m Not Afraid to Fight You
You think I won't beat you up? Just watch me! Please, don't fight back. Just watch me beat you up.
My Netflix Fireplace Series Spec Script
The tension from the end of the last film has not gone away, things are getting more tense between the logs as the fire continues to rage.
Nowhere Am I Safe from Assumptions
When I go to work people assume, just because I drive an ice cream truck, that I must really love ice cream, or that I sell ice cream.
Governor, I’m Sick of All These Double Standards
Protests are okay but I can't go to the Olive Garden because I use the breadsticks for things that are "objectionable" and "extremely upsetting?"
Sharks, I’m the Tooth Fairy and I’m Looking for Investors
Ever gaze over your huge pile of thousands of children's teeth and ask yourself, "How can I make this mountain of kid teeth even larger?"
The Six Differences between Andre the Giant and Louis Pasteur
Andre The Giant contributed significantly less to the collective knowledge of germ theory.