Were you raised by parents who “loved you unconditionally,” regardless of your achievements and “accolades”?
- Several Loose Flashlights - One Omni-Seasonal Jack-O-Lantern
I come to this park to walk my dog and to scold teenagers doing skateboard tricks on the walkway.
I’ve made a few enemies along the way, as evidenced by the group chat telling me not to bring my “musty ass around game night anymore.”
I really believed that a gang of scrappy, oddball teenage underdogs like us could pull this off against all odds.
‘Tis several weeks beyond Christmas when you realize You forgot it completely—doggone it, time flies!
Thank you so much for inviting me to your ______________ [wedding, dog’s birthday, seance, superspreader BBQ].
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.
I’m glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition.
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
You are entropy incarnate. Which is captured much more accurately by this clip of a frog with long, sexy lady legs that burps up the word "Strike."
I usually stay in the center of your tummy but unfortunately today I’m writing to you from the deepest depths of what could be considered your "gut."
I have come to the stark realization that I am no longer funny. I say that having once had one of the world’s great senses of humor.
How do I use this machine for exercise? Just sit back and push up on the sad branches/robot arms, letting the weight fall back down with a loud SLAM.
