What does your couch give you that I don’t?
A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…
My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.
I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”
Ganesh, God of New Beginnings: "I'm all for New Year's resolutions, but I bet you ten rupees she uses that annual yoga studio pass exactly once."
We’re all hurting. Which is why we need to stick together, much like these beautiful hardwood scales and the brass pins they’re fastened with.
My response time is immediate. Sometimes I respond to texts before I even get them.
Kid: I like your new shirt, Mama! Me: Thanks! Kid: I like how it makes you look like you have a big baby in your belly.
I founded the OLA (Ostracoderms Live Again), and we filed an injunction against placoderms for forcing their jaw hinge on us without our permission.
I don’t appreciate him shaking his moneymaker on my television set to the tune of four easy payments of $19.95.
Simon says whatever you do, DO NOT utter a cough, anything that resembles a sneeze, or begin sweating while standing in your boarding group queue.
All I wanted to do is continue the progression of time the way it has been going for all of fucking history. But suddenly the pandemic's MY fault?
I seem to have sat at a desk that was positioned in front of a “shit ton of Nerf guns.” Actually, 33 to be exact.
Would you rather send that one email you have to send for work today, or deep clean all the grout in your entire home?
Thanks to their tapering form, carrots are a real bitch to peel and cut up without slicing a finger. They are an accident waiting to happen.
Let me guess, you didn’t want to carry it around with you for the rest of your walk and you planned on picking it up on your way home?
It smells a little sweaty but it’s cheaper to rent and deal with mysterious odors than buy your own at full price.
People have asked, "Braeden, how will you balance the immense responsibilities of being America's 57th Bachelor with running for the office?"
