I Fixed My Relationship by Registering My Boyfriend as an Emotional Support Animal
Brandon must now provide me with affection and companionship under penalty of Federal prosecution.
I’m From New Jersey and Yes, Bruce Springsteen is My Biological Father
My parents knew they had early mornings in the factory, just working towards the American dream, but there was something special about that night.
List: Ice Cream Flavors That Accurately Represent a New York Summer
Beach Dreams Unfulfilled Tropical Cherry – A fruity favorite to remind you that you’re too funemployed to escape or go to Hawaii this summer.
I Bought One Floral Dress and Now I’m Deep in the Clutches of a Pagan Cult
Our relationship was mutually beneficial: I gave him a son---Yngvar---and he told me my dress wasn’t “too Coachella.”
I Am the Middle-Aged Jumper at the Trampoline Park Who’s Definitely Not Too Old for This
Oh-kaay. This hurts a little. The spring-bound polypropylene surface feels more solid upon impact than I expected.
List: Rides We Will Immediately Be Destroying at Croceworld, the Jim Croce Amusement Park
Workin' at the Car Wash Ride – Just a way we got free labor by asking parkgoers to buff all the scratches out of the Bad Bad Leroy Brown Bumper Car.
How to Talk to Your Child About the Prophecy They Must Fulfill
Discovering that he was born into a secret society who are defending the Earth and influencing world events may be difficult for your son to process.
How to Make Him Come So Hard He Turns into Al Pacino from “Scent of a Woman” and Yells “HOOAH!”
Next thing you know you’ll be tangoing in the sheets yelling “HOOAH!” like the blind retired army veteran Al Pacino won the Oscar for portraying.
List: 10 Steps to Having the Perfect Conference Call
Reintroduce every person to ensure there are no people "ghosts" on the call. Remember that there will, however, be actual "ghosts" on the call.
Yuppie Wedding Announcement Written by a Bitter Maid-of-Honor
The couple described the aesthetic of the reception venue as farmhouse chic. Notably, the bridesmaids were dressed as mason jars.
Various Life Crises You Will Undergo
Quarter of a Quarter Life Crisis: Age 6. You will cope by throwing tantrums before bedtime and refusing to share your trucks with Jeremy.
Don’t Come to America Until You’ve Already Achieved the American Dream
I hear what you’re saying: this really clashes with the overall narrative we’ve built up in the past century.
The Late Capitalist Horror of Mary Shelley’s Franken-Frappuccino
It agitated its shimmery surface, and with a convulsive motion, sprang to life. “BEHOLD, I AM THE TYE-DIE FRAPPUCCINO,” it roared.
Recent Comedy
