A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar---these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
List: Rotten Tomatoes Reviews of “Avengers: Endgame” or Thoughts You Had After Sex?
Absolutely fantastic, although there were some pacing issues in the beginning. I laughed, cried and experienced everything in-between.
“You’ll Want to Learn Guitar Immediately,” and Other Fatherly Advice
Now’s the time to fix your emotional, psychic, and spiritual energy on a single person who thinks of you as the weird and moderately asexual kid.
List: The Worst Game of Thrones Listicles Ever Published
"Nine Game of Thrones Cast Members Who Traced Their STDs Back to Kit Harrington - Never ride bareback in the North."
Travel Tips for White Backpackers Looking to Live Out Their Orientalist Fantasies
Looking to live out your orientalist fantasies? Here are some tips for maximum chakra alignment, away from your undeserved white collar job.
Missed Connections: Millennials and an Affordable Housing Market
“Yo, it’s me: the brand-new condo that sits on the same lot that rent-controlled housing used to be on."
The Meaning of Life
The meaning of life is being in a bathtub, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s joining a group to roll a beached whale back into the sea.
List: Alabama State Senator or The Bachelorette Contestant?
Garrett P. is from Birmingham and looking for love. Dan R. is from Birmingham and does not care that there is less than 25% support for banning abortion.
St. Peter Will Not Let Me Into Heaven Unless I Admit That My 11th Grade Girlfriend Broke Up With Me, And Not the Other Way Around (Untrue)
There’s no way I could have been dumped. I was in the prime of my life—I had a t-shirt for every major beer brand and I drove a Pontiac Grand Am.
I Know the CEO of This Restaurant Chain is Personally Responsible for the Death of Your Wife But Their Fries are So Good
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?
It’s Me, the Dog at the Foot of Your Bed, and I’d Love to Get In On That Sex You’re Having
I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from you two and am very excited to join in! I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn.
List: Suggested Career Paths for Your Ex, a Successful Deceiver and Master Manipulator
He spent your entire relationship lying and promising things that never came; he’ll fit right in amongst our nation's political leadership.
If Howard Schultz Won’t Screw Up This Election by Running as a Democratic-Leaning Independent, Then I, David Hoffmann, President and CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts, Will
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures---have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you COULD!
Recent Comedy
