Do not schedule the drill during prime hangover hours.
I come to this park to walk my dog and to scold teenagers doing skateboard tricks on the walkway.
I’ve made a few enemies along the way, as evidenced by the group chat telling me not to bring my “musty ass around game night anymore.”
I really believed that a gang of scrappy, oddball teenage underdogs like us could pull this off against all odds.
‘Tis several weeks beyond Christmas when you realize You forgot it completely—doggone it, time flies!
Thank you so much for inviting me to your ______________ [wedding, dog’s birthday, seance, superspreader BBQ].
I usually stay in the center of your tummy but unfortunately today I’m writing to you from the deepest depths of what could be considered your "gut."
After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.
I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you’ll be in prison for a lifetime.
By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition.
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
You are entropy incarnate. Which is captured much more accurately by this clip of a frog with long, sexy lady legs that burps up the word "Strike."
I have come to the stark realization that I am no longer funny. I say that having once had one of the world’s great senses of humor.
How do I use this machine for exercise? Just sit back and push up on the sad branches/robot arms, letting the weight fall back down with a loud SLAM.
- Formed during a hot summer night in a small Kansas town - The absolute worst and most dangerous place to experience one is inside a motor vehicle
