Voice Memo from Tech Billionaire to Their Personal Assistant
My brother's birthday is on the 23rd. Find me an artisanal root vegetable farmer that delivers overnight to Thailand.
List: Your Guide to Autumn Instagram Captions
“I pledge fealty to you, my Pumpkin Dad” is another great example of a gourd-geous caption being used by Fall fanatics everywhere.
Word Problems for Millennial Post-Grad Trips
Steven, traveling solo, wants to post an Instagram of his ravioli. But Germany is 6 hours ahead, so he risks his picture bombing if he posts it now.
Our New Corporate Cybersecurity Rollout Protects Your Computer by Rendering It Completely Inaccessible to You
Once your laptop reboots, please use the following case-sensitive password to log in: MyNameIsToddAndImAFuckingIdiot
Just Because We Don’t Agree on Everything Doesn’t Mean I, Harry Potter, Can’t Still Be Friends with Lord Voldemort
And believe me, I get it. I, of all people, know that Lord Voldemort’s beliefs go against pretty much everything I stand for.
A Word from the Guy Who Shouted “Woo!” during the Guitar Solo of Eric Clapton’s “Layla” Unplugged
Most of the rubes don’t figure out it’s a cover until the vocals come in, at which point everyone cheers like an idiot and I let out a huge scoff.
Quiz: Championship Racehorse or Joe Bidenism?
Some of these are horses that made the turns and came out on top. Some are turns of phrase associated with a horse still in the running.
A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge
I hope that you will find comfort that while you are headed to the great serving bowl in the sky, your work on Earth will not be forgotten.
Don’t Even Think About Surgically Replacing Your Face with That of the Man Who Killed Your Son Without Buying My “Art of Speedboat Combat” DVD Box Set
Once you've put on his face, the propellers are in motion--in two days you'll be in a high-octane boat chase with the man who shot your beautiful boy.
List: Delta Is Excited to Announce New Seat Classes below “Basic Economy”
Fundamental Economy Lite: During pre-boarding, passengers may not sit at the gate and must instead loiter at the nearest Hudson News outlet.
Yet Another Democratic Debate Drinking Game
If Andrew Yang offers to give away more money at random, go ahead and make a pitcher of margaritas.
Cocktails to Serve Party Guests That Have Overstayed Their Welcome and Need to Piss Off
Heat almond milk to a tepid temperature. Look around your little get together and remind guests that it is 9:01 PM on Saturday and it’s getting late.
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
Recent Comedy
