Monday: - Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday - Mistake a wolf for your grandma
Did we go to college together? No, I went to Penn State. High school? No, I’m from New York. Middle School? No, I never graduated.
We at Amazon want to replicate every part of the brick-and-mortar experience, and that includes the sweet sweet thrill of shoplifting.
- Moment of silence but for a page. - Total accident and someone is definitely getting fired.
4. Google, “What does sexually active mean?”
Because at VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, we don’t sell insecticide. We sell experiences.
For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect you.
My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn’t have social media in high school” in my gratitude.
Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.
“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.
Did we go to college together? No, I went to Penn State. High school? No, I’m from New York. Middle School? No, I never graduated.
Because at VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, we don’t sell insecticide. We sell experiences.
We don't even know him, what if this kickass party goes to waste because your baby ends up being a loser or something?
You think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab.
He got together with all the angels, Betty White, and your childhood dog, and they had a long hard think about how things are going down here.
- Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover - Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
