Bath time shall last a minimum of three hours or until I’ve shriveled to one-half my natural size. ABSOLUTELY NO HAIR WASHING.
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
While I'm technically "the boss," I don't want that detail to deter you from asking me lots of questions about my rejuvenating three-week sojourn.
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether: A. JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed. B. The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.
High school locker combination [-1.2 MB] I deleted my entire high school experience in 2016. Missed this somehow. Move to trash.
6. You cannot begin to fathom what you’re supposed to do with the assortment of random parts in the inner pouch.
My boss said guests don’t want to see “gray smudges” while enjoying their complimentary light breakfast. I said they would once they read the essay I left by the bagel station.
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
A shot of rum stirred into a pint of Guinness? Last night I tossed and turned, cogitating on what type of person this drink might fit.
Now would be a good time to use the restroom. You should also gather your family and pets and turn off any stove burners.
Q. Should I worry about the fact that people keep disappearing after using the elevator? A. I wouldn't.
I always misplace the Post-it where you jotted down my password, leading me to wildly click around until something happens.
Conspiracy Theorist Uncle: You’re the King of “doing your own research,” so you don’t have time to throw the ball around with your nephews.
In the end, he adjusted the parameters of the trick from predicting the exact card suit and number to simply foretelling its color.
You’re such a hypocrite, standing by your skinny jeans but not me! How have you been in therapy this long and still care what the mean girls are saying?
