I love to kick back and escape my many problems by throwing on some real archival footage of a man who horrifically murdered his entire family.
You have a personality. Other girls don’t. They have no personality. They aren’t funny and they have no hobbies or interests to speak of.
Tear open an envelope. If you discover a dollar bill, you’re having a boy! If there’s only 81 cents inside, a girl is on her way!
Half the time now I am awfully lazy, and scroll through my phone ever so much. John says I mustn't lose my mind reading article after article.
Early Adopters: The line you wished you’d gotten into to get the better kids than the ones you’re in lockdown with.
Imagine the home-field advantage for the SF Identity Thieves as their mascot "Guccifer 7.0" announces credit card info of the opposing players.
Can you introduce me to any shadowy figures who run the government here?
Simon says please welcome the presidential candidates with any sort of noises you find appropriate—bearing in mind their last performance.
The book mentions a reoccurring nightmare of his, where Bigfoot would chase him across an endless plain, demanding he fill out a brief survey.
My girlfriend first noticed the absence of romance while I was in a stained dressing gown, digging wax from my ears while reminiscing about my ex.
Fund your retirement account - The best time to start investing is when you’re born. The second best time is when you’re completely potty-trained.
No need for crates or kennels. Your wasp will gather creepy residues from the shadows of your home and construct a lair for itself, all on its own.
You can’t go back in time to kill Hitler, but you can go back to start your watercolor hobby earlier so you’d be at a more intermediate level now.
Now, I should say that I don’t speak Spanish, but I do speak un poquito Spanish. Is that bueno with everyone?
25% Mommy, 25% Daddy, 25% Mommy’s Yoga Coach, 15% Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Tinder Guy Who Was Into Daddy and Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Lube, 100% PERFECT ME!
