List: Some Updates on the Status of Your Postmates Delivery
Seth has returned to his car and confirmed your address for the first time. Your dumplings are no longer crispy or hot. Seth lives with his parents.
List: Fun Facts for Every Corporate Icebreaker, and When to Use Them
Despite what you see on the Zoom, I don’t sunburn easily. (When we can't think of a fun fact, my current boss tells us to try a humblebrag.)
Dogwin’s Law of Internet Discussion
As an online discussion grows longer, eventually someone will reference Clifford the Big Red Dog, effectively ending the discussion.
List: 2020 Election Gamer’s Guide: Boss Walkthrough
Level 1 Boss: Twitter user with American flag emoji in profile / Special Attack: Signature Retweet-and-Comment, usually in form of an OANN headline.
Transcript from the Murder Trial of My Teddy Bear
The mortician had examined Mr. Bear’s three major organs: the soft and cuddly organ, the unconditional love organ, and of course, the colon.
I’m the Ghost of Pythagorus and I Can’t Go to My Light Until You Believe the Earth Is Round
Despite my best efforts to educate the public, the Flat Earth Reddit page has doomed me to roam this very large and very round earth until the end of time.
How to Make Your Zoom Meetings More French
Have a visible breakfast of two croissants, orange juice, and a glass of red wine on Zoom. Complain how you had to make the croissants by hand.
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List: Other Things in a Kangaroo’s Pouch
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
When Matt Damon Was My Age He’d Filmed His Second “Bourne” Movie
When Sting was my age, he decided to quit The Police because he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” I’ve never even talked to the police.
A Therapist’s Notes from Sessions with Muppet Couples
Meeting with Kermit, a 65 y.o. frog, and Piggy, a 63 y.o. porcine companion (spouse?). Currently separated. P lives in Paris, France; K in MS swamp.
List: Self-Affirmations for the President of Your University
I deserve my on-campus mansion. I am enough for my on-campus mansion. No one can take my on-campus mansion from me.
The 5 Love(craft) Languages
Deities with this Eldritch Love Language need to hear their bound worshipers verbalize their eternal devotion, with an “I love you” of sorts.
I’m Your Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and I Am Fully Aware You’re Using Me to Avoid a Visit with Your Gastroenterologist
"Shameless caffeine addiction" just doesn’t cut it. Chances are you’ve also been avoiding your first screening with a gastroenterologist.
We Will Not Be Moving Forward with Your Candidacy Due to Our Bureaucratic and Arcane Hiring Process
You knotted your tie into a half-Windsor. Or, as we call it here, “the coward’s Windsor.” Of course, this significantly counted against you.
Fictional Schools’ Arbitrary and Baseless Plans for Fall Reopening
Ridgemont High: All "fast times" have been canceled. Students are advised to hotbox their vans from home until the curve has been flattened.
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