Announcing Phantom Fireworks’ Patriotic “We Kick Ass” Display
Our patented "Mega Explosion" technology will detonate into the shape of the Union Jack, then a middle finger, followed by the word “America.”
List: Exercises to Prepare Your Atrophied Body for a Return to Normalcy
Exercise: Speak “Let’s do this again” with conviction. Real life scenario: You’re saying goodnight to a date you expect to never see again.
Audio from the 2019 Fourth of July Fireworks Show
[BOOM BOOM] “U-S-A! U-S-A!” [BOOM] “Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone got sick all at once, though? [BOOM] "What?"
List: Netflix Categories for Dads
Vietnam War Movies That Explain Why Your Father Was Like That / Comedy Blockbusters with Bikini-Clad Women on the Poster
5 Signs Your Spin Instructor Has Been Exploiting Your Class to Power His Lake House
Phrases evoking imagery of a well-powered cabin like, “pedal like my kitchen appliances depended on it,” could be a huge red flag.
Other Nicknames You Can Call Me Besides Vinny “Chickenshit” DiLorenzo
Despite everything I do, the only thing anyone can remember is a rumor that I mistook chicken poop for Runts candy.
Doth a Man Live by His Neck Tattoo, and Not the Beauty That Stirs His Heart?
A millennium of mystics lives in my heart. But when you look at me, all you see is “Prince of Darkness” in Comic Sans stretched just under my chin.
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I’m Spartacus and I’m Sick and Tired of All These Wannabes
I’m stuck in a dungeon with Team Crucifixion. We’re anticipating a future as a unique tourist feature along the Appian Way.
PSYCH 3435: Introduction to Describing Your Dreams to Someone Who Obviously Doesn’t Care
Blathering on about one’s own dream is one of life’s greatest pleasures, a kind of psychological masturbation that satisfies our basest desire.
Take It from Me, a Surfer, the Second Wave Is Going to Be Gnar AF!
The economy took a crazy wipeout, my grandma got straight barrelled (shred in peace, G’ma) and we had to wear those goofy masks for like weeks.
List: Real Biblical Quotes for Straight People Playing Gay Characters
Mark 4:12: "You, my son, hath the chiseled physique of a Philistine and the facial features of a young King David. They will not care."
Wines to Pair with Your Favorite Women’s Target Brands
The red-berry notes that also resemble a boiled mushroom in your choice Pinot are a perfect match for any outfit from this inclusive Tarjay brand.
I Have No Career or Personal Accomplishments, But I Win the Fitbit Step Challenge Every Week
While I could find satisfaction in work, the steps I take while pacing tearfully in the work bathroom help me add thousands of steps each week.
The Vlad Quartet Is Not Playing at Ronnie Scotts
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
List: Quaint Towns to Visit Before They’re Completely Leveled by Music Festivals
Reine, Norway - This sleepy fishing village doesn’t have much time before it catches a lethal dose of Imagine Dragons.
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