I’m not like other guys. I’ve embraced my feminine side. Don’t you see my many rings?
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day. (Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap)
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off.
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Your friend could have an annoying voice, or he only talks about his personal issues and you’d rather not listen to that during your hour commute.
My depression has been so bad lately, I think my dog is catching it. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he looked at me for a long time, sighed, and said, “What’s the point? I’m just going to end up back at the same place I am now.”
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.
If it smells like toast, walks like toast, and talks like toast, you are taking some powerful drugs.
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
How come I could tell where everybody was in space? Did you mean for the shots to make me feel things?
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
