Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029
Students are not to ask the Steve Jobs hologram any questions pertaining to how much he actually did at Apple as opposed to the engineers.
Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore
In order to experience that again, I had to erase my first kiss. I tracked down any record or indication that Julie Wexler ever walked the Earth.
Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight!
Fetch this bar of chocolate that would serve two or three of my adoring subjects, but which I will eat entirely by mine own self, as is my right.
When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural
I never look to see if the bus or train is coming. I never push the button more than once on elevators or at crosswalks.
An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do It All for The Nookie
Once desirous of The Nookie, I found it began to stifle me, the voice of my generation. I became the gatekeeper of what was and was not Nookie.
What the Fuck is Wrong With You?
Or there’s a penny stuck in your nose. Then again, when was the last time you really took a good hard look at your nervous system?
List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You
Taurus: The Seneca Park Zoo believes they don’t need a sign telling people not to swim in the polar bear enclosure. You will prove them wrong.
Warnings About My Small Town From a Local Intellectual
Don't go to church on Sunday? You might as well be drinking abortions out of a fancy wine glass made of Regan’s bones.
I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates
I’m disappointed in myself for not finishing Dry January (and for raiding Tortuga), but now I have new friends and I learned how to load a powder keg.
List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face”
Resting Pitch Face – Appears on the verge of talking to you about his screenplay, TV pilot, or tech startup (avoid elevators).
The Galentine’s Day Massacre
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs)
If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He's a huge pig. Aren’t you my little pig?
List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained
RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.
Recent Comedy
