What the Fuck is Wrong With You?
Or there’s a penny stuck in your nose. Then again, when was the last time you really took a good hard look at your nervous system?
I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates
I’m disappointed in myself for not finishing Dry January (and for raiding Tortuga), but now I have new friends and I learned how to load a powder keg.
List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face”
Resting Pitch Face – Appears on the verge of talking to you about his screenplay, TV pilot, or tech startup (avoid elevators).
The Galentine’s Day Massacre
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs)
If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He's a huge pig. Aren’t you my little pig?
List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained
RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.
Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control
At that point, I had covered my guns in concrete. I didn’t want them. But the game pulled me back and I ended up killing about a thousand more dudes.
Where the Hell are All the Snowmen?
Every snowstorm, I was out in my front yard. That is your duty as a child in America. These snowflakes need to buck up and make a fucking snowman.
Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me
@fuckjerry even went back to my high school, played "Riff" in "West Side Story," and used all my ad libs just to twist the knife.
It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race
Now, believe me, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far.
List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi
Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. #yogaeverydamnday
Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those New Years Resolutions!
Breakfast is key. I’m thinking an egg white omelette, a couple slices of toast with peanut butter—wait where did you find a Gogurt?
The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters
How is communicating in sign language, walking on sand trails, or keeping your children in soundproof rooms, really that different from recycling?
Recent Comedy
