Rent the Newest Mobile Rideshare Option: A Stack of Tires and a Pole!
Here's how it works: use the app to locate the nearest stack of tires and a pole that I've dropped off all across the city. Then assemble!
Why Aren’t Tech Companies Taking More of My Data?
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"
List: Twitter’s New Color-Coded Guide to Trending Celebrities
Red and White – Said or did something stupid but not necessarily evil. Named their baby after their foot massager.
Sorry Ma’am, the Apocalypse Is on a Very Tight Schedule
Ma’am, you’ll have to speak up. War is really gearing up for tomorrow’s grand finale, and his machines are pretty loud.
Sexual Fantasy: Football
“We’re number one!” I cheer. The team wheels around. “No,” they respond. “YOU’RE number one.” Then they offer to pay off all of my debt.
List: FDA-Approved Vape Flavors (For Adults Only!)
These FDA-Approved Fusion Flavors™? are guaranteed to provide a satisfying Juul experience that appeals exclusively to people over 40.
5 Ways to Answer the Question, “But Where Are You Really From?”
Humorous: Suggest, as a possible place of origin, "Yo momma’s ass." Smile to indicate that you are "just kidding."
Stop Putting Mixtapes in Teddy Ruxpin
It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.
Pretending to Be a Dad so Other Parents Don’t Get Jealous of Your Baller Childless Lifestyle
Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.
Godzilla vs. Empty Nest Syndrome
Minilla plods off, leaving Monster Island by himself. Godzilla chokes back his atomic ray as he remembers the first time he laid eyes on him.
List: 10 Failed Attempts by Johnson & Johnson to Rebrand Its Baby Shampoo Post-Opioid Trial
Your child will no longer feel any pain. In their eyes, when this hits their eyes, we mean. We make no claims on any other pain.
Welcome to Hell – A Brand Book
Now you’re suspended on a wall of shard glass as rabid monkeys devour your intestines and Dave Matthews’ 2002 album “Busted Stuff” blasts on repeat.
List: Entrepreneurial Tormenting Strategies for the Enterprising School Bully
Forcing a dork to do all your homework for you and then not even turning it in, slowly introducing the concept of nihilism into their worldview.
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