Why I’ve Always Been a Bloomberg Supporter Since He Started Paying Me $6,000 a Month
Look at my new MacBook Pro, which was purchased with the Bloombucks Mike sends me simply for writing stuff like “Mike knows how to get things done.”
I’m a Comma-Natrix, and Your Grammar Has Been Very Naughty
Note my proper use of “whom.” “Whom” is also my safe word.
How to Properly Care for Your Newly Adopted Introvert
Bring your Introvert upwards of 50 books per week, as It will devour them. Often, this species builds small huts or thrones with these books.
The Biden 2020 Nevada Pizza Party Is Going down in Flames
He's targeting young people voting in their first elections, but we have to convince him that “Virgin Voters for Biden” is not how we want to brand.
Space Force Wants You!
The lightweight uniforms of Space Force feature “Drip-Nip Technology©" that can resist water, whether it’s a splashdown or an unexpected “swirly."
It’s Time to Lift the Voices of #GirlBosses in the Climate Change Denial Movement
And at this rate, climate change will destroy the earth before women have a chance to rise up and deny that that is exactly what’s happening.
List: Unpopular Options for the iPhone Morning Alarm Sound
Stoned college kids convincing themselves it’s really everyone else who is stoned / A yawn that never ends / Vomit splashing into a toilet
Signs That Your Kid Is Watching Other People’s Kids Do Drugs
Kids need to vent, and it’s likely a normal, natural response to having watched some other parent’s kid do drugs.
Quiz: Low Ranking Drug Cartel Member or Girl Scout Selling Cookies?
Meet supplier to get product. Supplier got goods from distributor. Distributor doesn’t know you or want to. Don't ask questions, just sell.
An Intervention from Your Rescue Dog
Did you pick me up in a Subaru Outback? Full of NPR tote bags? I’m still a wild animal. And not the kind that’s gonna stop you from having a seizure.
I’m a Serial Killer and Burberry Just Discontinued My Signature Strangling Scarf
With so many murders happening each year, it’s extremely difficult to develop and sustain a calling card that’s distinct.
List: Unsuccessful Proverbs About Bridesmaids
It’s a bridesmaid-eat-bridesmaid world. / Treat your friends like family and your family like bridesmaids. / Hate the bride, not the bridesmaid.
After Two Years of Emotional Misdirection, I’m Ready to Propose to the Love of My Life
She thinks I forgot what park it was! We walked by it two months ago and she said “Look! Do you remember?” and I said “What?"
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