I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead and Truthfully, I’m Looking Forward to It
You can imagine what my relief will be when I go under for my final rest, a sleep from which I’ll never wake up disappointed.
5 Running Shoes That Won’t Help Me Escape the Reality That My Wife Is Having an Affair with David Attenborough
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
Your Best Man Will Not Commit to a Peaceful Transfer of Vows
I only had a raging meltdown at the one other wedding ceremony I’ve attended, and that bitch I was marrying totally asked for it (I love my wife).
Telemarketing Cold Call Script for Dugan’s Carpet Cleaning
Are you happy with the cleanliness of your carpets even with an assistant that doesn’t ask visitors to wipe their feet when they come in?
I’m the Friend Who Gets Emotional When Drunk and Needs to Tell You Something in the Bathroom Right Now
Like, it's actually important, it will only take a second or 30 full minutes, time means nothing to me, I'm 7 shots deep and had lettuce for dinner.
Wanna Hang Out?
If you need to use the bathroom, it's no problem. Just grab a pair of disposable gloves and follow the tape arrows around to the basement door.
List: Simple Lines to Drop for Getting Out of Babysitting Your Friends’ New Baby
Have you seen that Dateline episode about the swimming babies? / Anyone can breastfeed, right? / He'll fit right in my backpack!
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The Run-Over Deer You’ve Decided to Use as a Symbol for Your Crumbling Relationship Has Had Enough
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
A Plea for a Return to Decency
Support us at The Lincoln Project and our quest to return America to her former glory: killing poor people but with good manners.
List: Responses to What People Wrote in My High School Yearbook
Hey, Capri, guess what? It wasn’t the best summer ever. Not even close. I worked the register at Walmart and got carpal tunnel.
The Ghost Host Would Like to Voice Some Concerns on This Haunted Mansion Tour
You do realize this, correct? That you’re inherently susceptible to novel, airborne viruses that could lead to your premature but inevitable death?
Nextdoor Posts in Stephen King Novels
Whoever is driving around a 1958 Plymouth Fury and running people over, you are being very RUDE! It is LATE!
How to Ensure Your Grandchild Suffers for Decades After Your Passing
Are you sinister enough? Do you relish the insulin whiplash of your grand-twit's metabolism as he devours a Werther’s Originals from your hand?
I Am Your Third-Party Vendor, and I Will Fulfill All Your Needs
The minute you opted for the Pomegranate Margarita, gave your credit card to your "date," and said, "this round's on me," you entered my domain.
We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
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