Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau
Sitting at a bar alone chewing mint gum while sipping a fruity drink is the ideal thing for a confident person to do at a party.
Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail
I only had one thing a female jail junkie would want: A bobby pin. Tiffany’s eyes widened with excitement and offered food.
List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors
After playing four straight championships and winning three, fans are asking, "Is there a cactus who could even come close to beating the Warriors??"
The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement
Our love blossomed with the speed of a carefully edited, 30-second commercial for prescription diarrhea medicine.
RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office
Could we reschedule our 3:00? A rift between this world and the next has opened in the conference room, and we can’t hear client calls over the endless torture of the damned.
List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke
Having sex with my wife. She was planning to vote for Kamala Harris and not Beto prior to their sexual encounter.
Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions
I’ve made up the bed for you with clean sheets. All of my greatest wishes and darkest thoughts have laid across my mattress.
My Healthcare Plan is to Be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery
I've been informed me that the "sour ground" is the result of eldritch horrors, but in today's economy, you have to play the cards you're dealt.
List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment
Attempt to order Chinese food online. Discover credit card is maxed out. Head into kitchen with acute sense of impending doom.
My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube
Things got worse after I said my favorite R.E.M. song was “Shiny Happy People.” He got so angry that I thought his slim body was going to overheat.
Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady
Finally a solution to your social single anxiety! "Bacchus’ Mission" delivers a man in a tiny vessel that you can toss in your freezer until a party.
List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed
For questions regarding payment, please press X, where X is the gas mileage of a Sherman Tank, plus the hands visible in Da Vinci's The Last Supper.
Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes
Remind the IRS of simpler tax days. Create an apology collage out of all the old receipts you filed when you first entered the workforce.
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