Updates to Your Employee Benefits Package
Our previous policy of zero in-office hawk attacks has been slightly adjusted to a new policy of many hawk attacks.
Comedy Writing
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Even if the world was ending, I’d be pococurante, like I was in the third round of the Dayton County Regional Bee when my word was "pococurante."
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
The Pac-Man Ghosts Are Unionizing
Why does Pac-Man have to eat us? We’re starting to doubt the “we’re a family” ethos he’s always mentioning while he races after us, lips flapping.
What’s Going Through My Head During My Family Feud Fast Money Round
Animal with four letters in its name? Easy: cat. Wait– Oh my God. I meant cat with two t’s? Ok, shake that off.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
My Elevator Pitch About a Disaster Movie Set In an Elevator
I suppose death could be right around the corner for us... In the movie, of course!
Everything at Area 51, Besides the Aliens
Bigfoot, Chupacabra, but not Mothman (he’s a real jerk)
We Need to End Big Government Regulation of Knife-Fireworks
The suits on Capitol Hill are scared of an everyday American taking two of our country's greatest pursuits, knives, and recreational explosives.
Cancel Culture Is This Jar of Pickles I Can’t Open
Cancel culture is holding back the next Great American Novel, groundbreaking works of political theory, and my Wednesday afternoon lunch.
Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.
Censorship Is Preventing Me from Publishing My Novel “Rat Sex in Outer Space”
Brave ideas drowned in a sea of silence. That’s a direct quote from "Rat Sex in Outer Space" and it applies here.