I Won the Most Dangerous Game
I’d appreciate it if you listened to my tips for spear-sharpening without sprinting to Human Resources.
Comedy Writing
Rejected Monopoly Chance Cards from When I Was Going through a Ska Phase
Go back three spaces; you left your ID at the venue. / You inherit $130 worth of vinyl records.
We Made a Sequel to Your Favorite Childhood Movie to Remind You the Passage of Time Comes for Us All
The sequel answers all of your lingering questions, like: what would a 1970s child star look like with a hip replacement?
Design Review for My Toddler’s Blanket Fort
The use of multiple exterior facades, including the blanket from Buster’s dog bed and what appears to be a Summer Camp T-Shirt, is commendable.
A Note Regarding the Employee Suggestion Box and the Mothman in the Break Room
When life gives lemons, make sure to offer those to the Mothman in hopes the tart treat will placate his impulsive desires.
Cancel Your Gym Membership in Three Easy Steps and One Impossible Minotaur Fight
Step Three: Click the “Confirm Cancel Membership” Button. Step Four: Unsheath that broadsword, foolish mortal!
Ants in My Pants, and Other Animal Conundrums
I have a bug in my mug. I have electric eels in my high heels. I have a giraffe in my carafe.
Let’s Not Make Fun of the Guy Playing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the Jukebox, He’s Probably Going through a Lot
Maybe he needs to hear it very badly for whatever marriage-related problems he’s going through. If I had to guess, of course.
Job Openings in a Network Crime Procedural
Seeking gray-haired, whiskey-drinking curmudgeon to oversee a department of knucklehead agents with withering disdain.
Updates to Your Employee Benefits Package
Our previous policy of zero in-office hawk attacks has been slightly adjusted to a new policy of many hawk attacks.
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Even if the world was ending, I’d be pococurante, like I was in the third round of the Dayton County Regional Bee when my word was "pococurante."
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.