Ants in My Pants, and Other Animal Conundrums
I have a bug in my mug. I have electric eels in my high heels. I have a giraffe in my carafe.
Comedy Writing
Let’s Not Make Fun of the Guy Playing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the Jukebox, He’s Probably Going through a Lot
Maybe he needs to hear it very badly for whatever marriage-related problems he’s going through. If I had to guess, of course.
Job Openings in a Network Crime Procedural
Seeking gray-haired, whiskey-drinking curmudgeon to oversee a department of knucklehead agents with withering disdain.
Updates to Your Employee Benefits Package
Our previous policy of zero in-office hawk attacks has been slightly adjusted to a new policy of many hawk attacks.
Weddings Vows from Me, a Spelling Bee Champion, to You, My Former Spelling Bee Opponent
Even if the world was ending, I’d be pococurante, like I was in the third round of the Dayton County Regional Bee when my word was "pococurante."
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
The Pac-Man Ghosts Are Unionizing
Why does Pac-Man have to eat us? We’re starting to doubt the “we’re a family” ethos he’s always mentioning while he races after us, lips flapping.
What’s Going Through My Head During My Family Feud Fast Money Round
Animal with four letters in its name? Easy: cat. Wait– Oh my God. I meant cat with two t’s? Ok, shake that off.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
My Elevator Pitch About a Disaster Movie Set In an Elevator
I suppose death could be right around the corner for us... In the movie, of course!
Everything at Area 51, Besides the Aliens
Bigfoot, Chupacabra, but not Mothman (he’s a real jerk)
We Need to End Big Government Regulation of Knife-Fireworks
The suits on Capitol Hill are scared of an everyday American taking two of our country's greatest pursuits, knives, and recreational explosives.