The modern world can be hectic, nerve-wracking, and downright scary. A 24/7 news cycle, fed to us through constant social media feeds, can put even the most even-keeled fella on his back. It seems like nothing stays the same these days.

That’s why we, the proud makers of Tapioca Pudding, are excited to unveil absolutely nothing new to our centuries-old dish.

We in the tapioca pudding industry are proud of our ability to never change. Over our long and illustrious history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any sort of flavor to churning out the same muddy texture with just enough lumps to keep you on the edge of your seat (in case you have to sprint to the garbage can).

Tapioca pudding has been with you since you were a child, sitting on your grandmother’s lap trying to avoid the spoon (or car or train or plane) speeding toward your mouth, dripping with our dangerously bland treat.

Your grandfather used to tell you stories about eating tapioca pudding and listening to the radio outside Ebbett’s Field, all for a nickel, and you can still do one of those things. Here’s a hint: it’s the mushiest part of that sentence.

We know the feeling of turning on the television and being bombarded with all sorts of new and confusing information. Don’t know what to do about our global climate catastrophe? No problem, have a nice big bowl of white. Can’t make heads or tails about inflation? Here’s something that jiggles, just a bit. Closer to home, are you scared about your parents aging, and what you’ll do without them? Well, Mom and Dad may be getting older, but this deliciously viscous midday dessert sure isn’t (that’s actually a lie, every bowl of tapioca pudding is forty-seven years old).

Tapioca Pudding, Fish Eyes, Grandma’s Delight, The Great White Nope: whatever you call it, our product will be there for you like it’s been for millions of reluctant eaters year after year. We always hear the same beautiful feedback: “meh.”

There are those who decry our tradition, but to those that say “adapt or die,” we like to respond, “pudding.”

We’re proud to be a non-leader in innovation and excited to be at the back of the pack when it comes to updating our product for the modern world. Our commitment to consistency is just as firm as the consistency of our pudding. We’ll always be vanilla, but weirder, just how we like it.

We’ve even ensured the way you consume tapioca pudding remains the same. Each vague, almost unlabeled container of tapioca pudding comes with the same utensils you’ve used since you were a child. That’s right, the weird spoon from the back of your grandma’s cabinet, that freakishly-old spoon that’s both rubber and steel. It even has that gross bit of dust on the tip that your grandma swears is just a scratch, but if that were true, why can you taste her silverware drawer as you chew on a nice, gummy wad of tapioca pudding.

Every time you eat tapioca pudding, you can be reminded that at least some things in this world never change. So while your nieces and nephews make fun of you for not knowing how to BeReal, you can take the high road knowing your favorite dessert is technically a starch. Take that, youngsters.

We’ll keep making tapioca pudding the way you know and love, and you keep reminding yourself that no matter how crazy things get, you can always find comfort at the bottom of our bowl. You’ll probably have to dig through a couple cups of tapioca pudding though; god knows you’re not eating all of that.

Tapioca Pudding: for everyone whose favorite emotion is “plain.” You’re welcome.