How long has it been since you washed your face the right way? You’re not sure what the right way is? Wow, I’m legitimately terrified. But don’t worry! I’m Reilly, your favorite skincare girlie, here to help you get that clean, milk glass skin so you don’t look like a crone skulked off in the night with your collagen.

To start, what kind of face wash do you use? Quel horror if you say “just bar soap.” That is so drying, and you know what dryness does? It ages you! And there is nothing worse than looking old, not even being dead.

But it’s okay—I have a great face wash for you: this sea kelp foaming barrier cleanser with hydrating hyaluronic and citric acid. I know “acid” makes it sound scary, but it’s just beef tallow sprinkled with some ground up coral reef. It’s on sale now for $98 per half-ounce bottle.

Before using your cleanser, prep your skin with a pre-cleanse cleanse using micellar water. And if you just buy some drugstore brand, stop it right now or I will absolutely puke all over this phone, get electrocuted by my ring light, and haunt you like a porcelain-skinned Victorian ghost.

If you want luxury skin, you need luxury products! I recommend this small-batch toner made by an order of cloistered nuns in Grűnigen, Switzerland. It contains holy water blessed by the Pope himself. It’s only available in a few stores in the U.S., but use my affiliate code and get $1 off the $452 price. So worth it if you don’t want to look like a dried up corn husk ravaged by the twin evils of the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression.

So once you’ve pre-cleansed, it’s time to cleanse-cleanse with a facial brush to massage the cleanser into your skin. This gets the soap into every pore so it can destroy any dirt that could reveal that you aren’t just a gorgeous blank slate. You can get one of these at most online retail shops, but I use one with a handle carved from olive wood that’s flown in from Bali on a private jet to allow the wood to breathe.

Once you’ve scrub-a-dubbed those cheeks, forehead, and nose, wash your neck and decolletage because they are part of the face. And if that is news to you, I will run outside and throw myself in front of the first Waymo I see.

Now you’re ready to rinse. If you don’t have a water filtration system that softens your water, I swear on the holy nuns of Grűnigen that I will save your social handle, find your address with some unhinged Google key wording, and dox you for crimes against the epidermis. Water with chlorine and fluoride only strips your face of its natural oils! Do you want your skin to look like a loaf of moldy, stale, gluten-filled bread being destroyed by a plague of grackles in a Costco parking lot?

Once you’ve cleansed and rinsed your face, neck, and chest and wrung the water from your now-soaked shirt, dry your face using the microfiber towel listed in my linktree. It’s made from the mucus of ten thousand baby snails and only absorbs excess water to leave behind your face’s number one ingredient, its hydration. And if you think you can use a regular wash cloth, I will stake out your home, wait until you run to Whole Foods for bone broth, and kidnap Pickles, your 12-year-old Havanese with mobility issues, because she deserves to give emotional support to a mom who isn’t a dehydrated monster.

Et voila, you are done! Follow to see part two to learn how to look younger than the unconceived.