Rejected Muppets
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
Comedy Writing
Excerpts from “Caring for Your Epilogue Baby”
Because the romance author who wrote your story didn’t quite know how to end their book.
We’re Throwing an Adult Party
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Welcome to Our New and Improved Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park
We settled our feud with the local breeder, and will once again have nine living, breathing reindeer on site as in days of yore.
Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
FAQ About ExxonMobil’s Plant-a-Tree Pledge
For every barrel of oil sold, a mid-level sales associate enters a tally mark into a Google spreadsheet.
Please Stop Doing Crimes in Our CubeSmart
I’ll cut to the chase-Please stop running blackjack tables out of the CubeSmart.
What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
I Know This Amazing Bar
Like all bars with inscrutable locations, it’s a speakeasy. A “secret” bar. But it’s a secret the way it’s “a secret” your aunt got a facelift in 2015.
I Know This Is Your Summer Hangout, but as Your Father I Think It Would Be Much Better If I Fired up the Grill
I’ve got everything lined up so this grilling experience won’t be sullied by past mistakes. Remember the infamous Frankless Fourth of July?
I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out
We are here to serve scorn and derision, and able to discern the net worth of patrons with a half-second, contemptful glance.