No, No, Mr. Clean Was My Father’s Name—I’m Dave
Don’t mean to harp on this but please use a coaster. I know we’re in a bar but the wet circle under the glass… sorry, it’s just the way I was raised.
Tag: Stories
A Caveman Worries About Too Much Flame Time
Me say in day, “Only small fire this night. No add ‘one more wood.’” But me keep stare and stare and no sleep.
People Say I’m an Abysmal Lover, but at Least I’m Also an Unsuccessful Professional Woman Who Is Fucked for Retirement
Instead of scrutinizing the position of my butt, I would suggest admiring the lack of buttress in the position of my savings account.
Let’s Be Bad!
Oh lord, here comes my nemesis: the dessert menu! If I get a slice of the tres leches cake, you’ll all have a bite, right?
I Make Nature Sounds, and I’m Offended You Use Them for Sleep
What, you think a masterwork like "Swamp at Dawn" just happens? You think I just leave my voice notes running in a swamp at dawn? You fool.
Colleagues Agree, the Season’s Hottest Lunch Break Destination Is Your Car
Sure, you could drive to pick up some $20 mix of ingredients haphazardly thrown into a flimsy bowl by a hungover college sophomore.
Heyyy It’s Me, That Cigarette You Want to Smoke When You’re Abroad
We cigarettes just taste better abroad. The exact science is unclear, but it’s probably because we’re free of toxic ingredients like judgmental looks from your friends.
Open Letter from a Mountain Lion to Hiking Influencers
But first I would like to know, oh rugged manchild, how sharing my arch on your “internet” sakes the human purpose.
My Bad, I’m a Worrier, Not a Warrior
Your Majesty, what I’m saying is that I am a worrier---all I do all day long is worry about every little thing that could possibly go wrong.
We’re Your Friends from College Who Are Doing Way Better than You—How Are You Doing?
It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.
I Love Golf!
Focus, Bob. Just you and the ball. Crap. Fore!
I’m Ethan Allen, and I Am More than Just a Craftsman of Fine Home Furnishings
As we prepare to celebrate our great nation’s Sestercentennial, it behooves me to make it known that I am not merely a Raymour or Flanigan.