I Make Nature Sounds, and I’m Offended You Use Them for Sleep
What, you think a masterwork like "Swamp at Dawn" just happens? You think I just leave my voice notes running in a swamp at dawn? You fool.
Tag: Stories
Colleagues Agree, the Season’s Hottest Lunch Break Destination Is Your Car
Sure, you could drive to pick up some $20 mix of ingredients haphazardly thrown into a flimsy bowl by a hungover college sophomore.
Heyyy It’s Me, That Cigarette You Want to Smoke When You’re Abroad
We cigarettes just taste better abroad. The exact science is unclear, but it’s probably because we’re free of toxic ingredients like judgmental looks from your friends.
Open Letter from a Mountain Lion to Hiking Influencers
But first I would like to know, oh rugged manchild, how sharing my arch on your “internet” sakes the human purpose.
My Bad, I’m a Worrier, Not a Warrior
Your Majesty, what I’m saying is that I am a worrier---all I do all day long is worry about every little thing that could possibly go wrong.
We’re Your Friends from College Who Are Doing Way Better than You—How Are You Doing?
It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.
I Love Golf!
Focus, Bob. Just you and the ball. Crap. Fore!
I’m Ethan Allen, and I Am More than Just a Craftsman of Fine Home Furnishings
As we prepare to celebrate our great nation’s Sestercentennial, it behooves me to make it known that I am not merely a Raymour or Flanigan.
How Dare You Question Why I Ponder This Orb!
I don’t let my face betray what I’m beholding because I’m a pro, and I like to maintain an air of mystery, but sometimes it’s just like, yeesh.
I Attend Your Improv Show Every Week, and You Have Never Once Taken My Suggestion of “Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska”
I’m a big fan of your troupe’s silly make-em-ups. But a fella can only be overlooked for so long without starting to take it personal.
My Novel Packs a Ton of Crucial Backstory About the Protagonist’s Mother Into a Scene Where He Buys Chewing Gum
Hank nodded and muttered the word to himself: “Okay.” It was the same word Mama had used months before it happened...
I’ve Got a Lot of Money Riding on This Peewee Soccer Game
I know your coach said it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Your coach has obviously never been up to his asshole in debt for betting on collegiate air hockey.