Nothing like a day out on the links, am I right, fellas? Now if you don’t mind, I think I’ll do the honors of teeing off first. Hey, someone has to set the tempo.

Okay, Bob, just like you practiced. Nice and easy.

Shit! Shanked it. Straight into the trees. Ah well. It happens. I might as well take an early mulligan. You guys mind if I take a mully? No? Good. Then I’m gonna take a quick mully.

Head down. Hips straight. Let it rip.

Not like that. Fore!

She’s okay. She got out of the way. See, they’re helping her up. Sorry about that! First shot of the day! She gets it. She’s a golfer.

What do you guys think? Should I just play it from there, even though it’s on the other fairway? Or should I maybe take another mully? No one counts the very first shot of the round anyway. That was more like a pre-mully mully. Agreed? Great. I’ll go again then.

Focus, Bob. Just you and the ball.

Crap. Fore!

Are you serious right now, Phil? Oh, don’t play dumb. You know exactly what you did. You clearly moved during my back swing, which caused me to shank the ball yet again, and this time that poor woman wasn’t quick enough to get out of the way. Sorry again, ma’am! My friend Phil distracted me! I apologize on his behalf! Jesus, Phil, really.

Okay, so obviously that shot didn’t count either, right? I don’t think we need to reopen the conversation vis-a-vis the mulligan situation? No. Perfect. I’ll just go again. And Phil? This time? Can you do me a huge personal favor and stay out of my fucking eyeline? Sorry, I don’t mean to curse at you, it’s just that it’s basic golf etiquette and you should really know better and if it happens again I can’t be held responsible for my actions, okay? Okay great. Thank you so much. Here goes.

You got this, Bobby. In through the nose, out through the–

Goddammit, Phil! Fore!

Great, this time I got her square in the spine. Are you happy now, Phil? I hit that poor old woman square in the spine because of you. Yes, I know you weren’t in my eyeline, but how the hell am I supposed to hit a golf ball straight when you’re breathing so loud that it sounds like a goddamn bullhorn is going off in my ear? I don’t care if you have chronic sinusitis, whatever the hell that is. Figure it out before you come to the golf course. So sorry, ma’am! My friend here is having quite the day! She’ll get up soon. Probably just has a nasty charley horse on her spine.

You know what the problem is? I forgot to stretch. Getting older, am I right, fellas? Just give me a second to iron out the kinks and I’ll be ready to blast this drive into the ether like Ernie “The Big Easy” Els. Oh yeah. That’s better. I can feel it now. This is the one. You guys are going to want to keep your eyes on the middle of the fairway, roughly 300 to 320 yards from here, depending on the wind.

Don’t think, Bobby. Clear your mind and let the club do the work.

Jesus Christ! Fore!

Phil farted. I heard it. Give me another ball. Just give me another ball, Greg! Great, thanks. Oh, Pro V1. Nice.

Nope. Trees again. Give me another one. No, not one of those. Those ones suck. They’re broken, Greg, okay? You bought broken golf balls, I don’t know what to tell you! Just give me another ball that isn’t clearly defective! Callaway. Cool. That’ll do.

I take it back. That one was broken too. Give me another one. Ping. Perfect.

Shit! And another.

Nooo! One more time.

God I hate this stupid sport! Last one I swear.

There it is! Straight down the fairway. It might not have gone far but at least it’s in play. Better safe than sorry, right fellas?

You know, it’s great being out here with you guys again. Why did we ever stop doing this anyway? We used to golf together every weekend and then all of a sudden it was like you guys got too busy for old Bobby. It’s all right. I get it. Life gets in the way. By the way, Phil, my condolences about your father.

So, who’s up next?