This is a final announcement from the team here at Socrates LLC (a new subsidiary of BlackRock Inc.)

The Allegory of the Cave is now officially closed. We ask that all freed prisoners make their way back to the entrance of the Cave in an efficient, but respectful manner. Critical thinking has been discontinued. Enlightenment has been recalled due to lack of interest, desire, and possible lead contamination.

Despite our best efforts to illuminate the Truth, pursue the Good, and drag you all kicking and screaming into the light of Reason, we regret to inform you that the outside world has chosen shiny objects from Temu, celebrity influencer-endorsed power juice cleanses, and Hunger Games-themed fast fashion over the eternal Forms. We are a bit astonished that Xenophon’s “philosopher-scented genital robe spray” outsold the opportunity to experience objective Beauty, but here we are.

Therefore, we will now begin the orderly re-entry into the Cave. Please line up single file and mind the torchbearers. You may return to your designated stone bench, where you can resume staring at flickering shadows on the cave wall that represent whatever remains of Western civilization's crumbling foundations.

We have upgraded your experience of this viewing through the use of the Metaverse app. Your VR headset will be permanently affixed to your head during your re-chaining. The streaming service of these inaccurate representations of the real world are provided via Prime Platonic at 34 drachmas per moon cycle. We also accept Bitcoin.

Please silence all questions, abandon your dialectic, and enjoy the endless stream of false realities flittering across the craggy surfaces in front of you. They’ve been curated via a collaboration with Palantir Technologies and Grok AI. [Note: Socratic questioning has been deemed a violation of the Terms of Service. Persistent inquiry may result in having to retake the Philosophy 101 class from that small Liberal Arts school you graduated from after six years.]

Additionally, all Platonic Forms have officially been discontinued and any pertaining contracts cancelled. This includes but is not limited to:

  • The Form of Justice has been discontinued due to lack of demand and enforcement.
  • The Form of Beauty has unfortunately been filtered beyond recognition.
  • The Form of the Good is being replaced with vibes and memes.
  • The Form of Truth has been flagged as misinformation.

We understand this may cause some mild ontological disorientation. A complimentary voucher with QR code for a digital simulation of “The Form of Sydney Sweeney” has been included with your welcome-back packet located under your eternal seating.

We will provide no refunds or trade-ins at this time nor in any perceived afterlife(s). The eternal has been replaced with the ephemeral. The metaphysical has also been marked “non-essential” by D.E.L.P.H.I.C. who have converted The Realm of Forms into a data center for Palo Alto Networks. The remaining philosophers have been forced into early retirement, Uber Eats gig work, or starting their own weekly podcast.

Thank you for trying Idealism. We know you have a choice in understanding the higher levels of reality and unfortunately you decided to eschew them all.

We are now permanently closed. If there is, in fact, any permanence at all.