Welcome to Subway, I’ll Be Your Sandwich Artist Today
I require 10 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact so I can absorb your aura and determine what kind of personalized sandwich art to create for you.
Comedy Writing
I’m the Type of Rich Where You Don’t Know Where My Fridge Is—Sadly, Neither Do I
Don’t get me wrong, the being rich part is great. Unfortunately, my fridge blends into the kitchen’s design too well.
Schrödinger’s FOMO
If you do go out, you’ll immediately start thinking about when you can leave. If you don’t go out, you’ll immediately start wishing you had.
Your Puny, Human Brain Is No Match for This CAPTCHA
Let’s call it a reverse Turing Test designed to plumb the depths of human stupidity.
I Know Your Siren Song Is Famous, but I’d Love to Hear You Sing Something More Contemporary
But, if I could offer one tiny suggestion, while you sound amazing, the song choice doesn’t show off your full potential.
Evidence That Your Lawyer Isn’t a Lawyer, They Just Played One on Law & Order
Upon being assigned your case, they don’t ask how you want to plead, they ask if you were introduced in the first or second act.
Diary of a Prehistoric Teen
Mother say I need to stop moping around cave and get outside. So come up with a plan.
Montezuma Pleads with the Gods to Change His Act of Revenge
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
We Can’t Open the Cafe Until Someone Comes Up with a Clever Name for Our Wifi Network
You sit down with a macchiato to check Instagram, so you go to join the Wifi, and instead of a clever name, you find yourself logging on to "ATT117x"?
Our Artisanal Tacos Are So Damn Good You’ll Happily Hand Over Your Identity as Payment
What do we do with all the identities people pay with? That’s none of your business. They were handed over in a totally legitimate transaction.
I Am the Clump of Dried Toothpaste That Takes Over the Nozzle of Every Tube
Think of me as the gamma-ray to your Bruce Banner, only I give you none of the superpowers and all of the anger.
We Can’t Open Until Someone Comes Up with a Bon Mot for the Sidewalk Chalkboard
If we don’t come up with an ingenious sign, no one will ever come in, meaning no one will share post shots of our killer foam art.