Welcome to Taco Taqueria, home of the best artisanal tacos in the world. And that’s not just us blowing ancho-scented smoke up your ass. You’re here because you caught wind of all the positive word of mouth or checked our Google, Yelp, or Trip Advisor reviews where you read one variation or another of, “those are the tastiest damn tacos my food hole has ever sampled.” Chances are you also came across some chatter about the price of our tacos.

And we’re here to tell you it’s all true. A plate of our tacos will cost you your identity.

Is that a steep price to pay for a plate of tacos? We don’t think so. Think about it. No one carries cash anymore and as a small, artisanal taco stand, we don’t have a card reader, Apple Pay, or Venmo. So when you break it all down, it only makes sense that you pay with your identity.

Oh, you’re an influencer. Cool. Before you ask, no, we wouldn’t be up to trade a plate of tacos for a post. We will, however, happily accept your Instagram handle and all the followers that come with it as payment for your tacos.

Is making people pay with their identity different? Sure. But the people have spoken. And do you know what they said? “We’re willing to line up for hours in the hot sun then hand over all the legal documentation that makes us who we are for a plate of your tacos.” So we’ve got that going for us.

What do we do with all the identities people pay with? That’s none of your business. They were handed over in a totally legitimate transaction and are now legally ours to do with as we please.

Don’t even mouth the words identity theft. As we said, this is a legally binding transaction each and every one of our customers willingly choose to enter. But let’s go over it one more time just to hammer home the point. The moment you exchange your ID for a plate of our tacos, you give up the legal right to be you. Maybe not in a flesh and bones sense, but from that moment on, you no longer have an identity.

Does that mean you’re doomed to aimlessly wander the earth in search of yourself for all your remaining days? Don’t get too dramatic, they’re just really really good tacos. And it’s not like we’re asking you to give up everything for a plate, just your identity.

Is that a fair trade? Please see our earlier note about all the glowing five-star reviews. A plate of our tacos will totally change your life, and we’re not just talking about the part where you hand over your identity to get them.

Take our famous chorizo tacos for example. We don’t use your average mass-produced, nitrate-juiced chorizo found in the deli section of supermarkets across the country, or the “authentic” kind you get at those fancy boutique grocery stores. Ours is imported directly from the Iberian village where chorizo was created. Did we mention it’s hand-made by a descendant of chorizo’s creator? We believe your government-issued identity, and the privilege that goes with it, is a small price to pay for that kind of culinary experience.

Don’t even get us started on our al pastor.

Seriously, these are the kind of tacos you take home to your family with a big smile on your face then exclaim, “Dinner’s here, so let’s all sit down together and enjoy our last meal as the McKnight family.”

They’re that damn good.

Oh, if you’d like a side of guacamole, it will cost you your soul.