Classified Listings for Things I Don’t Want to Do
NOW HIRING: Pest Control Specialist / Wearer of Big-Ass Doc Martens
Comedy Writing
I Cut Out Food from My Diet, and I’ve Never Felt Better
Hot Foods in the Wintertime or Cold Foods in the Summertime: This one’s a real bummer.
You’re Hearing About My Dream Whether You Like It or Not
Now, this is where it continues to not get interesting, so stay with me.
After Careful Consideration, I’ve Decided to Move to the Most Expensive City in the World in Order to Pursue a Dream I Could Pursue Anywhere
Either way, I’m not going to pursue my dream full-time. Recklessly spend my money trying to make a living out of a hobby? No, that would be ridiculous.
Defunct Pro Baseball Team Names or Common Sightings in the Hamptons?
Shipbuilders? Fishermen? Coal Barons? Seals? Furniture Makers?
Spend $10 on Cigarettes, Get $500 in Bonus Cigarettes on Us
Here at CigKings, our company philosophy is simple: we give away large sums of money out of the goodness of our hearts.
The NSA’s Digital Threat Report on Me, User #119182
Instead of opening and deleting messages as he received them, User #119182 has kept every email he has received since creating his account in 2009.
Your Middle Schooler’s “Youth in Government” Field Trip Itinerary
After running out of per diem, your child will unwisely accept financial help from their Russian pen pal.
What My Next Week Would Have to Look Like for This Swiss Army Knife Purchase to Be Worth It
As the sun sets on the horizon, I use the bottle opener to crack open some ice cold beers and bond with my shipmates.
It Would Be Pointless to Try These Ineffective Tongue Twisters
This Café Makes All The Espresso, I Guess / Sacrifice Something So Grandma Can Leave
A Message from the Book You Just Claimed to Have Read
Just because I’m an essay collection does not mean you get to neglect a third of my chapters and count me toward your summer Goodreads goal.
Book Jacket Testimonials or British Kennel Club Breed Standards?
Warm and wide-ranging and wise, a wonderful companion. Plenty of substance but free of clumsiness. Neither cloddy nor cobby.