For immediate release to the Belleview Homeowners Association:

Dear neighbors,

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has come by the yard sale and made a purchase. Now that the kids have moved out of the house, it was my pleasure to pass the winter sleds along to Amanda and Tom’s family. Likewise, I was relieved to finally hand off my baseball card collection to the Patterson kiddos. And Randall, I hope you put that fishing rod and tackle box to good use. Catch a big one for me.

However, the “For Sale” sign displayed prominently on my lawn has caused quite a stir. Let me be clear: my house is not for sale. The SIGN is for sale.

I own a five-bed, three-bath, 4,000-square-foot house. While I understand that it says “10 bux” in Sharpie on the front of the sign, I cannot, for the life of me, understand why dozens of you have approached me with ten singles and a U-Haul, expecting to be able to move into my home.

Again, I am selling the sign, NOT the house.

I am flattered that so many of you are interested in my property. I really am. That said, I do take issue with whoever claimed the domain and started an all-out bidding war for my family’s home. Aside from the fact that the property is not for sale, my main concern about the site is the “Tour the home” section, which features an up-to-date, 360-degree virtual walkthrough of my own house.

While most of you came for my house, I should also address the few of you who thought I was out there selling my yard. I just have to ask: do you really think that when people stick a “For Sale” sign in the ground that means they are selling the actual ground? While I appreciate that you didn’t set up a website dedicated to selling my house, there is no reason for you to be asking me about whether or not my lawn is made from sod or natural Bermuda grass.

But now that you know the house and the yard are not for sale, is anyone interested in buying a lightly used “For Sale” sign?

As a former realtor, I can tell you that a “For Sale” is a great way to notify potential buyers about your property. And as a guy who inadvertently started a bidding war for his own home, I can guarantee this sign’s effectiveness.

Even if you’re not currently planning on moving, consider buying the sign for the future. My only advice would be to store the sign someplace out of sight in the meantime. You could stash the sign in your garage for safekeeping, or maybe hang it up on the wall as decoration (so long as any guests you might invite over know that you are not selling the wall).

On that note, because it may rain this weekend, there is a chance I’ll have to move the yard sale to a garage sale. So, before anyone approaches me about buying my garage, allow me to get out in front of this one: my garage will NOT be for sale, I’ll only be selling things out of the garage.

I hope I have cleared up any confusion, and, while I wait for you to receive this letter, I am temporarily removing the sign from my lawn.

The yard sale will re-open at 9 AM on Saturday—I look forward to selling one of you my sign.

From one neighbor to another,

Please stop trying to buy my house.