There are so many unspoken rules about how we talk to one another, and technology has only complicated and changed those rules. Now, I may be an introvert, but I think I can safely speak for everyone in saying that there are some unspoken rules that are totally normal and that we all just know (and that we all, by reading this, are now legally bound to, under penalty of caning).

But occasionally, I’ve found that some of us need a reminder of these rules. So here is a little refresher.

Don’t Leave a Voicemail

Voicemails are a dusty artifact from the days before text messaging. Why give someone the chore of checking their voicemail?

And that’s in addition to that notification, that nagging splinter of the mind—that blinking, throbbing telltale heart that we all avoid for hours, weeks, the cancer of unfilled obligation growing larger, larger—until the person you’ve left the message for has stored up enough energy to pull their life together, confront it, and listen to you.

No, send a text.

Text Before Calling

Receiving an unannounced phone call is listed in the DSM-V as a traumatic event.* Instead, text the person ahead of time and ask if or when they are free. Then they will be able to pick a time that suits their and their therapist’s schedule. And if your schedules don’t match up at first, maybe the call’s not that important, and perhaps by then you will forget about calling.

Also, remember to be careful with your wording: if you text “Call me,” that is assault.

*We have checked. Please do not check.

Allow 6–8 Weeks for Text Responses.

Patience is one of life’s great virtues. Get off their case. We’re sure the person will get around to it. Jesus.

(Your response may come by mail.)

Don’t Text

On second thought, do not text. No one appreciates that either. Write it down on a piece of paper, and think it to yourself.

Then, when you’ve had time with that thought, burn what you wrote.

People Are Never Expected to Answer a Phone Call

Keep in mind, just because you are calling a person doesn’t mean they are obliged to drop everything and answer. If they are in a meeting, or at a very expensive restaurant, or panicking and sweating while wrapped tightly under the safe blankets of their bed because of an incoming phone call, that is the modern expectation of etiquette that they will never answer your phone calls.

And just because a person texts that they’re ready talk doesn’t mean that they are ready to talk. Maybe someone stole their phone earlier and texted that without permission. We don’t know.

Maybe They Were In the Bathroom

Maybe they were in the bathroom!

They Are Always In the Bathroom

People and their bowels contain multitudes. You cannot pretend to know what they are going through. They can’t always help you move in to your new condo just because they said they could one time.

If You See Them Later, You May Not Ask About Why They Did Not Answer the Phone

Allow us to emphasize: a person is not required to answer the phone under any circumstances. As a result, you may not get mad when someone doesn’t answer the phone. See? It has been laid out in this article.

So if you stride up to someone, perhaps after seeing them hurrying from their house to their car with their head down, and you suddenly go all, “Hey, I tried calling you three times yesterday, where the hell were you? I’m really worried about you,” and they slam the car door and speed off into the night and you hear crying louder than the car engine, stop it. OK?

You May Not Talk to Anyone in Person, Either

Can’t you just leave a guy alone? People can’t deal with you guilt-tripping them. They’re busy. Modern phone etiquette says don’t do that.

Remember That the US Is a Two-Party Phone Consent Country

If someone doesn’t consent to being called, you are literally violating them. It’s The Constitution.

Do Not Facetime Out of The Blue

I– I can’t. I mean, people can’t deal with that kind of thing.

You May Always Text STOP to Somebody to Stop Receiving Texts, Like They are a Robot, And They Will Understand What That Means, And They Will Not Give You Trouble for That

And they will not “follow-up” with a lot of puzzled and leading questions, or start making fun of you, or take a screenshot of that and share it to a group text thread and start calling you names like, “dude we were just joking, i was just trying to get you to come out of your shell a little bit. wanna grab drinks with us after work? u seem pretty cool”

You May Not Ask My Mother to Check in on Me

Calls from my mom can be difficult for anyone to navigate (including me). In fact, they may be the most invasive phone calls in existence. In the ranking of Phone Crimes, they are second only to Murdering Person With Phone. Please do not inflict them on anyone.

Don’t Murder Person With Phone

This should go without saying. It’s the Number One Phone Crime.

Put Your Phone in the Blender

It would just make all of us feel better if you didn’t have one.

Email

Emails are pretty good.