Emily Kapp profile page

Emily Kapp Chicago

Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.

Comedy Writing

What I actually look like: I walk slowly and calculatedly because these shades are darker than I remember from last summer.

It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild? But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to?

The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.

When we envision our future together, we can’t see it unless the $175 egg separator we picked out in Crate & Barrel is there with us.

All mouth-blown, no helium balloon pumps allowed! And when I say “we,” I really mean just me.

I learned a lot in my four years as Vice President of Relaxation in the Hygiene Department, I wanted to offer some reasons why I’m departing.

Amazon is taking union-busting to another level. Starting next month, they’ll roll out a new feature to help customers get out of hopeless marriages.

At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.

As a current job seeker, I would love nothing more than to find out what exactly those thoughts are in that big, juicy brain of yours.

What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for jangly keys! Oh, wait– can someone bring me a bottle?

Even when I call shotgun, I’m still belted into the driver’s seat because that’s how badly we’re micro-managed.

Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care.