Emily Kapp | Points in Case

Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.

Comedy Writing

At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.

As a current job seeker, I would love nothing more than to find out what exactly those thoughts are in that big, juicy brain of yours.

What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for jangly keys! Oh, wait– can someone bring me a bottle?

Even when I call shotgun, I’m still belted into the driver’s seat because that’s how badly we’re micro-managed.

Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care.

You should be begging on your hands and knees for help. Pathetic. And deep down, you’re scared.

“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp."

Harrison has devoted the majority of his campaign to securing a beach-themed winter dance, prompted by his older brother's copy of Girls Gone Wild.

For four years we've turned a blind eye to the despicable actions Trump has taken. It's time we focus the discussion squarely on him for once.

Let’s band together like the professional basketball players and astronauts we want to be and save the world. Listen up, I got a game plan here.

Who else is willing to be drenched by the grease of your chicken a la finger basket? Let’s see Facebook try and do that.

Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.