Excuse me, everybody! We have an announcement to make! We thought that this dinner party we’re not hosting was the perfect time to let everyone know…someone have Trina our publicist get in touch with our People magazine contact, because we’re trying for a nepo baby!

That’s right! We’re smashing raw now. And because we met on set filming a scene doing just that—porking—you know exactly what that looks like for us. Yep, we’ve always been and always will be method actors, so what you saw on screen is exactly what’s happening in real life in our California king. No intimacy coordinator needed. But this time we’re producing our biggest blockbuster yet—our sweet, precious nepo baby!

For us, it just feels like the timing is so right for us to be trying for a nepo baby. Between the two of us, we have exactly 6.5 confirmed stalkers. We’re at the peak of our fame, so every single move of ours is and will be scrutinized, and that goes for our future little bundle of nepo, too! Neither of us can leave our bullet-proof front door without being bombarded by TMZ. It’s to the point that our bodyguard, Jose, has to accompany us every time we leave our mansion. Whenever Baby Nepo (or Baby Nepa, for a girl!), is ready to join our brood, we can’t wait to post them on Instagram with an emoji covering their face, but then “leak” their headshots to Perez Hilton for $250,000.

Speaking of Jose, let’s not forget about our village! Our paid, around-the-clock staff is ready to care for our future nepo bebe and be their parental figure in every shape and form. Except of course when there’s a red carpet appearance or we need to talk to some director to get them a role over someone talented. It’s hard to believe that in 15 years time, Nepdyn James could be estranged from us and in the process of changing their last name to finally live a peaceful life out of the spotlight. Can’t wait to welcome you to the world, our little nepo-angel!

Thankfully, we have a famous actor friend’s kid helping us in our conception journey. No, not like that. But our famous friend, let’s just say his name rhymes with Tadd Kitt, his kid made an app that tells couples when the best time to clap cheeks is in order to give your most attractive sperm a fighting chance to grow up with an impressive IMDb page. The app is called Fux and it only costs $2,000 a month for a subscription. When it’s time to get down and dirty, the app makes your phone vibrate and doesn’t stop until it recognizes you’re in the bedroom. Get this, the kid is a literal genius because he stole this idea from his Harvard classmates.

All this talk about future Nepolina makes us realize how much we can’t wait to start spoiling them! We can’t wait to “hand them” their first speaking role in a major motion picture. Born with a silver spoon in their mouth? Maybe, but they’ll be using the same cafeteria utensils as everyone else at Harvard that they’ll get into just because we’re golf buddies with the chancellor. We can’t wait to make sure they don’t have to work a day in their life, because trying to make your famous parents proud to the point that you never feel good enough? That’s priceless.

We just wonder what our miracle nepo will be like. You have all these hopes and dreams for them like any other expecting parents. Will they be exactly like us? Or will they be a disappointment? We’re not going to be too hard on them, but we will want them to follow in our footsteps right to having the same foot size. We’re not saying they need to be Oscar winning actors like us, but we wouldn’t be mad about a Golden Globe. What’s most important through it all is that when they’re here we remain a tight-knit family unit. You want to be close with your kid, so right from the start we’re going to have them under a conservatorship at least until they’re 44 after we’ve monetized them. Oh, don’t mind us daydreaming.

So… yeah! We’re doing the nasty. But, having a baby naturally is truly a blessing and we recognize that. If it doesn’t work out or if Fux goes bankrupt, we can always pay $500,000 for a surrogate. No skin fat off our cheeks. Honestly, even better so no one has to get a tummy tuck and get knocked down a few ranks on Maxim’s Hot 100 list. It’s a win-win, and Nepson can have a hot mom he’s proud of.