Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.
Comedy Writing
“Would You Mind If I Picked Your Brain?” From a Zombie on LinkedIn
As a current job seeker, I would love nothing more than to find out what exactly those thoughts are in that big, juicy brain of yours.
I’m the Screaming Baby on an Airplane—It’s a Tough Crowd Here
What’s the deal with rattles nowadays? Seems to me like a poor excuse for jangly keys! Oh, wait– can someone bring me a bottle?
I’m a Crash Test Dummy and I Hate My Job
Even when I call shotgun, I’m still belted into the driver’s seat because that’s how badly we’re micro-managed.
A Bully’s Recipe for a Knuckle Sandwich
Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care.
I’m the PDF a Baby Boomer Needs Help Opening
You should be begging on your hands and knees for help. Pathetic. And deep down, you’re scared.
2020 Onboarding 2021
“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp."
Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates
Harrison has devoted the majority of his campaign to securing a beach-themed winter dance, prompted by his older brother's copy of Girls Gone Wild.
It’s Time We Start Talking about President Trump
For four years we've turned a blind eye to the despicable actions Trump has taken. It's time we focus the discussion squarely on him for once.
It’s Really Really Really Important That We as 10-Year-Old Boys Stand Together and Get the Cooties Vaccine
Let’s band together like the professional basketball players and astronauts we want to be and save the world. Listen up, I got a game plan here.
List: Disney World’s Reopening Guidelines Amid COVID-19
Donald Duck will wear a mask, but still no pants. / All t-shirts reading “I Survived The Tower of Terror!” have been reprinted to read “I Survived!”
Now’s Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.