Hi, Stephanie!

I know it’s always a bit awkward to reach out on LinkedIn when you have no mutual connections, but I see in your byline that you’re a “Thought Leader” in the marketing space. As a current job seeker, I would love nothing more than to find out what exactly those thoughts are in that big, juicy brain of yours. So, would you mind if I just picked your brain for a bit? About your career that is, of course!

My last job was as a coat check clerk, I held up the coats with my arms. Really the only good thing about it was that I could always steal extra toilet paper rolls in the bathroom to replace my bandaging. Or, um, for when I shit, I mean. Since I got paid so poorly, that’s why, I couldn't even afford toilet paper!

Not to mention, all of the ladders to climb within the company were essentially dead. I busted my arms every day, coming home late, and getting next to no sleep. My wife kept saying I looked like a walking zombie!

The reason I left…well, I don’t like to say I was “fired,” but the HR person at my prior employment may have a different opinion of why I was always so close to co-victims, I mean, co-workers’ necks. I really just wanted to devour all of the experience they had. So sorry I just also happen to be a happy-go-lucky, touchy person with an infection– I mean, infectious laugh!

Anyway, how would you describe the workplace culture at your ad agency? Personally, I think I would really flourish in a fast-paced environment. Believe it or not, speed is my middle name. I just worry that they’ll discriminate against me as soon as I come in for an in-person interview and they catch a look at my green skin.

Also, is there a work-from-home option? It’s really quiet in my home office at the cemetery, which is great for focusing, but I really do miss all the biting humor among colleagues that comes with in-person work.

Because I’m in the market for a new career path, I’ve been building up my skill set. In fact, just recently, I learned Excel. You wouldn’t know it at first, but in my past life, I was an accountant!

By the way, I’m super comfortable working late, even past midnight. And I’m a team player too. At the last apocalypse, I was working with a cross-functional team helping not only to murder, but also onboard the next generation of zombies to show them how to kill.

So I’ve got to ask, Stephanie, what are your thoughts on how to Frankenstein a great team together?

Really, there’s a lot of pressure from my family to do the typical zombie job. I come from eight generations of brain eaters. As a little boy, they would feed me little brain nuggets shaped like people to start training me for a full-time job one day. Don’t get me wrong, I popped those babies in like a champ, but in my cold heart, I knew I was meant to do something different in my life. I want to help people. Make a difference. That’s why I’m reaching out to you, a Vice President at an advertising agency that sells e-cigarettes to children.

Anyway, I’m proud of myself for reaching out to you and putting myself out there, outside of my grave. Now that I told you my story, I’d love to meet up and buy you a coffee to really pick your brain, and I– I mean we could grab a bite. I know a great mausoleum that just so happens to have a Keurig in there. Do you like cold brew?