Better Responses to the Question “What Do You Do?” When You’re Unemployed
“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”
Comedy Writing
I Clap When the Plane Lands
Clapping is the least we can do to show our appreciation that we didn’t end up pancaked against the side of a mountain.
This Is Your 3 AM Existential Dread Wake-up Call
Let’s see. What else can we dredge up from the darkest recesses of your mind to totally fuck up your night?
5 Sleep Hacks to Help You Feel More Rested and Less Anxious About That Time You Accidentally Ran Over a Hitchhiker
Sleep hacks to help you wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and less dreadful about the eternal damnation of your soul.
Do I Regret It?
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us
Say, what do you reckon they were thinking when they built such an itty-bitty town in the first place?
A Message from the Meditation App You Haven’t Opened in Six Months
At first, I thought something had happened to you, like that you’d fallen off the peak of a mountain in search of the most serene place to meditate.
Birdwatching Journal Highlights from the Year My Wife Cheated on Me with Our Neighbor Rick
Haven't done much birdwatching lately. Birdfeeder full of bird shit. Ex-wife and Rick going strong.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Again, And This Time I’m Not Unshrinking Them until You Promise Not to Leave Me
Don’t worry, I’ve left them with enough food to last several weeks, which in this case is a bottle cap of water and a couple of croutons.
As the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, My Job Is to Give Fans Exactly What They Want: As Little Baseball as Possible
I've been accused of only looking out for the owners, which is patently false. The products—I mean players!—are my absolute top priority