Do I Regret It?
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.
Comedy Writing
This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us
Say, what do you reckon they were thinking when they built such an itty-bitty town in the first place?
A Message from the Meditation App You Haven’t Opened in Six Months
At first, I thought something had happened to you, like that you’d fallen off the peak of a mountain in search of the most serene place to meditate.
Birdwatching Journal Highlights from the Year My Wife Cheated on Me with Our Neighbor Rick
Haven't done much birdwatching lately. Birdfeeder full of bird shit. Ex-wife and Rick going strong.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Again, And This Time I’m Not Unshrinking Them until You Promise Not to Leave Me
Don’t worry, I’ve left them with enough food to last several weeks, which in this case is a bottle cap of water and a couple of croutons.
As the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, My Job Is to Give Fans Exactly What They Want: As Little Baseball as Possible
I've been accused of only looking out for the owners, which is patently false. The products—I mean players!—are my absolute top priority