I recently took some time off to find myself. I didn’t like what I found, so now I’m taking some more time off to find another, more employable, version of myself.”

“I think a more interesting question is ‘Who are you?' The answer to which is: a complete stranger who just crashed this dinner party for the free finger food. Now are you going to eat that mini quiche, or what?”

“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”

“Why, I’m just fine and dandy, my good sir! And how do you do? Oh, you said WHAT do you do? In that case, nothing.”

“Work? Pfft, who needs it? Except those who have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and a desire to feel like they’re a contributing member of society. But aside from that, who needs it?”

“I don’t do. I just be. And right now I be between jobs.”

“Fun fact: One day on Venus is equivalent to 243 Earth days. So, technically speaking, I’ve only been unemployed for, what, a day and a half? That’s nothing. Also, I’ve really gotten into astronomy in my time off.”

“I’m writing a novel.”

“Okay, fine. I’m reading a novel.”

“The title of the novel? The Tale of the Asshole at The Dinner Party Who Asked One Too Many Questions. I think you’d like it.”

“Unfortunately, I’m too busy tracking down my wife’s murderer by following the clues I’ve left for myself in the form of these copious body tattoos due to my retrograde amnesia. Is that the plot of the 2000 Christopher Nolan thriller Memento? I can’t remember.”

“I’m holding out for my dream job: master harpooner on a mid-19th century whaling vessel. Still waiting to hear back from a salty ol’ boatswain in Braintree, Massachusetts. Fingers crossed!”

“You go first! Wait, we can’t both be the head of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins Medical, and you’re not fooling anyone with that fancy white lab coat.”

“I’m a commercial deep-sea diver, and you have absolutely no way of proving otherwise.”

“Here, take my business card. You are correct. That is not, in fact, a business card. It’s a baby raccoon that I carry around at all times in the event that I need to cause a distraction during an uncomfortable conversation, such as this. Cute, right? Keep it. I’ve got several more in my home.”

“I’m freelance.”