Hey buddy! It’s us, your friends from college who are doing way, way better than you, and we wanted to check in! Since graduating, our lives have only gotten better, so we assume that your experience has been the same, though you do seem to be living at your parent’s house and, whenever you stand up, a landslide of chip crumbs slides off your shirt. It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.

Have you traveled at all since you graduated? We all went to Europe! Not together, of course—we wouldn’t leave you out of something like that. We all just happened to be posing at the same Venetian balconies at around the same time. O.K, maybe a few of us traveled together, but not all of us! Look, Matt’s not in Venice, he’s in Iceland! Have you ever been to Iceland? It’s so magical. We all loved it.

Maybe you haven’t been exploring the world because you finally landed that dream job! Oh, our mistake: you’re working at the fast food restaurant across town whose broken-down sign reads W__D_ ‘S. Is that the same place where you spilled a Frosty all over your cargo pants on your very first date, when you were 14? It must be nice working in a place with so much personal history!

Us? We’re working boring office jobs in boring places like New York, Washington D.C., and San Francisco. Don’t mind us posting pictures of acai bowls in skyscrapers. We’re just working joes, the same as you. Some of us didn’t even get our dream jobs. Jessica didn’t get her dream job at Microsoft, so she had to settle for Apple. It’s a tough market out there! Honestly, W__D_’S is pretty good.

Sorry the group chat has been so quiet lately. Our social lives have been so incredible since we graduated. We all have new friends we do fun things with in person. You should keep texting your little memes though! We won’t respond, but we might give you a “heart” reaction, just to keep you going. We know how much the heart reactions mean to you.

How’s your social life been? Oh, you’re “reconnecting with old friends?” You mean you’re buying weed from that guy who used to light fires during chemistry class in high school? That’s cool. We’re doing party drugs that won’t make it to your town for the next three years, but don’t worry, weed is cool too.

Wow, look at the time! We all have really fun activities to get to, but it was great to check in. We’ll be sure to post all the awesome stuff we’re doing to our Instagram accounts so that you know exactly how far you’re falling behind. We know every milestone is a punch in the gut, but we’re just so happy we can’t stop! We wake up everyday in our custom Tempur-Pedics with a smile on our faces. You should try it sometime! It might be hard when you’re sleeping in your childhood bed, but it is so restorative. And you definitely need to be restored.