Bath mat that hasn’t been fully dry since it was purchased. Acceptable colors include gray, blue-gray, or dark gray.

Shower curtain that looks like the bottom was dragged through a swamp in Chernobyl, and the top is detached from at least three rings.

A Jackson Pollack painting of toothpaste covering the mirror, rendering it nearly useless as a reflective device.

The coarsest, most translucent one-ply toilet paper. Coincidentally, the same brand that’s used in interstate highway rest stops and lesser Federal Prisons.

Toilet paper is never placed on the roll, but rather on top of an empty toilet paper roll, or on the counter next to the toilet.

Soap dispenser is nearly empty, or watered down to an inch of its life.

If a trashcan is present, it is tiny and overflowing without a top.

A pair of crumpled boxers by the shower. (These may be removed if company is coming over.)

Empty bottles of Two in One Shampoo littered throughout the tub or collecting soap scum on a rusted shower caddy.

Sink dusted with what we hope are beard trimmings.

Faucet is adjusted to maintain a constant drip. The sound of which is strictly verboten in accordance with the Geneva Convention.

A door that doesn’t lock from the outside, yet cannot be opened once closed from the inside; rendering it perfectly useless.

A towel rack that hangs nearly broken off, like the loose tooth of a six year old.

Toilet seat that wobbles or slides when you sit down.

A towel draped across the door in an apparent attempt to dry it. It is also omni-damp and a shade of gray.