Good evening, ladies! Or, to use the group chat name, “Hamptonz H03z!”

Really looking forward to a fun weekend out of town. I know we all need the break from work. And to make sure that we can all get the most out of this 48 hours of relaxation, I have taken the liberty of creating a 49-point Relaxation Action Plan.

Emily, I couldn’t help but notice you texted “we’re gonna soooooooooo fucked up. 🤪” Would you be willing to own next steps on that?

If you check your Google Maps notifications—yes, Google Maps has notifications you can check, doesn’t everyone use them?—I’ve created a list of all the liquor stores in a 10-mile radius of the Airbnb with 4.5 stars and above. I was thinking maybe we could narrow it down to the top 3 and then have everyone vote via Doodle which one we absolutely ransack.

And Kayla, should I assume that in reacting “🥴” to Emily’s text, we can count you in to co-lead the Totally Shwasted Working Group?

Jacqui, I saw you messaged “Maybe we have a little Edibles Moment? 🤔.” I love that energy. But of course we all know that a little Edibles Moment is the product of elaborate Edibles Preparation. I encourage everyone to read, as I have, the local cannabis regulations of our Airbnb’s city, county, and state, as well as Section 201 of the Controlled Substances Act (21U.S.C. § 811) in order to prepare our potential statements to law enforcement in the event of apprehension. Sorry, app-SHE-hension!

To that end, I’ve prepared customized letterheads for each of our affidavits. Celia, I made your letterhead purple because I know you like purple.

In fact, you’ll notice those letterheads match all the personalized shirts I’ve hand-sewn for the occasion. Please: DO NOT FORGET YOUR PERSONALIZED SHIRT. If you forget your personalized shirt, you won’t be in the group photo, for which I’ve already compiled a few cute caption ideas (see Appendix A).

By the way, if you’re looking at this iMessage on mobile, please tap the weird little arrow that appears when you try to send a text that is longer than 4,000 characters to read the whole thing. It looks like this: > (But don’t tap that one; that is the example arrow.)

Now, on to tracking expenses. Has everyone downloaded The App? The trip will be impossible if any single one of us does not download The App. Now, I’ve gotten some feedback that The App is confusing and impenetrable. But don’t worry, I’ve written a step-by-step guide about how to use The App. You can find it in The Shared Drive.

Circling back on rental cars: I know there’s been some conversation about me getting the car, and then scooping up everyone else at a mutually convenient spot. But on further reflection, I think it actually makes the most sense for all of us to separately commute to the Hertz by the airport. If we arrive by 7:00 A.M., we’ll be first in line when it opens at 9, and on the road no later than 3:00 P.M., latest.

When we get hungry, I have identified a Taco Bell that is exactly equidistant (137.4 miles) between the Hertz and the Airbnb. From there, I have identified a public restroom that is exactly 0.7 miles from the Taco Bell.

We have limited trunk space, so please: limit yourself to just a small backpack. This will allow the remaining two thirds of the trunk to be filled with materials for the mandatory multi-hour Olympic-inspired backyard games tournament I’m planning.

Megan, I know you mentioned wanting to try that new pizza place that got written up by The Infatuation, Wirecutter, and an evidently extremely popular Substack called “Slop for Sluts.” Yum! That said, some back-of-the-napkin math reveals that three pies, including tax and tip, come to about $80. That’s a lot of money! How about this instead: we buy flour, tomato, mozzarella, and basil at the grocery store, and for just a few hours’ work and $70, we’ve got our own homemade pizza for a fraction (⅞) of the cost.

I’ll leave it to you to handle, M, though a reminder that Kathryn is celiac, vegan, dairy-free, and generally scared; thanks in advance for accommodating!

Of course, all good things must come to an end. For checkout, the Airbnb says we just have to strip the beds and load the dishwasher; it probably couldn’t hurt to power wash the driveway, polish the flatware, and re-grout the bathroom tile. You know, just whatever you normally do when you leave someone’s house.

Soooo looking forward to seeing everyone! Just a quick, friendly reminder, BTW, to pleaseeeee download The App. 🙂🙂🙂