Alright, people, everyone be cool and no one needs to get hurt. On the floor, hands out where I can see them.

Who’s the manager of this branch? Come to the front. NOW. I’m going to ask you one question, and if I find out you’re lying I promise I will put a hollow-point right through your dome.

Am I… am I doing a good job so far?

I mean just like, with the armed robbery in general, how do you think it’s going up to this point? Is this comparable to other bank robberies you’ve been through?

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’m getting a vibe, like the hostages are mad at me, or something? I don’t know, it’s probably me being weird. Forget I said anything. Just open the vault. As soon as you can. Please.

Eyes on the floor, people!

Now listen up and listen good. I’m not trying to be whatever here. You got that? I know this is crazy. Believe me, I do.

Like, can you even imagine? I’m all, “Errr, give me your money or I’ll shoot you dead!”

I swear I’m not trying to be that guy or anything. But like, I kinda am doing that, you know what I mean?

All I want is what’s in the vault and then I’ll be out of your hair.

In the meantime, you guys need anything? I could do a Starbucks run.

Why can’t you get the vault open? You’re only the assistant manager. Where’s the manager? Oh, on her honeymoon. Where’d she go? Costa Rica? That’s awesome. Would love to hear all about it someday if I ever return to rob this place again.

I guess I’m maybe a little frustrated. But, seriously, good for her. I tell everyone in my crew to use their PTO. That’s what it’s there for, Am I right? Actually, a bunch of them called out today, which is why I’m flying solo. But I don’t mind covering for them!

Ok, so Plan B.

You. Business lady. Yeah, you. Start collecting wallets and purses. Quickly. Or however long it takes you. As long as it gets done. Totally not a big deal if you can’t do it, also.

Oh, you have a family. Cool. Yeah. I still live with my parents, but am looking to move out soon.

No, yeah, you can go if you need to pick up your kid. Seriously, no worries! I don’t want to keep you. Really, someone else can handle it.

No, sorry everyone. I can’t let all of you go. She asked first, so it’s only fair. Come on, don’t make me feel bad. You know I need some hostages.

I get this is tough but I’m trying to be really chill with you guys. You’re all lucky my old boss isn’t here. Now that guy SUCKED. You should have heard him. “Break this teller’s arm if he’s too slow” or “use this nun as a human shield.” Typical Boomer bank robber.

But I’m not like that. The way I see it, we’re all adults here. I trust you all to not be a hero and end up in the morgue.

Aw, seriously, someone tripped the alarm? After I specifically said don’t do that or I’ll kill you?

You know, when stuff like this happens I can’t help but think “what did I do wrong?” Maybe my instructions were unclear.

It’s fine, we’ll work around it. You guys are still doing great, I mean it. We all are. I’m doing great too, wouldn’t you say? Obviously, you guys don’t hate me, right?

Oh…

No, I am not crying, stop looking at me. Didn’t I say eyes on the floor!?

Whatever, I’m just gonna take off. No, I’m not upset. My getaway Uber pulled up. Seriously. I don’t even care. It’s… fine.

One last thing, though. If it’s not too big of an ask, I’m going to leave a pile of review forms by the door. Any constructive feedback is greatly appreciated! I’ll swing back around later to pick them up assuming I’m not arrested or killed in a hail of cop bullets.

We’re still cool, right?