What, a Guy Can’t Wear His Burglar Costume to the Art Museum?
What’s next, requiring me to carry a regular wallet instead of my trusty burlap sack with a dollar sign on it?
Tag: Crime
As Your Stalker, I Need You to Stop Using Metal Tools on Nonstick Pans
This was the first time I felt like I was witnessing something I shouldn't be seeing.
You’re Gonna like the Way You Look—or Else
And if you don’t, let’s just say we have ways to make you like the way you look. I fucking guarantee it.
Man, That Bank Heist Really Went to Shit, Huh?
I’m not blaming. I erred as much as anyone, and forgetting my gun at home probably should have been enough to reschedule the whole heist in the first place.
Do You Want to Get Out of Here?
Somewhere we don’t have to think about all these people staring at us and deciding whether I’m “guilty” or “innocent.”
I’m a Hostage Who Can’t Stop Focusing on How This Bank Robber’s Fly Is Down
Was it like that at the hideout and in the getaway car coming here, and no one told him? Oof. No one must like this guy.
I’m a Soft-Boiled Detective
I have a hunch: The killer might just need some space right now.
Thank You for Calling 911
If you are calling from inside a vehicle sinking into a body of water, press 9, and a transcript of your final words will be faxed to an address you provide.
Fellas, I Only Joined the Mafia Under the Assumption There Would Be More Philosophical Monologuing
You all did see my resume, right? I double majored in Philosophy and Theater at Fordham.
How I Built 22 Streams of Passive Income by Blackmailing the Starting Lineup of the Philadelphia Eagles
One photo of Jalen Hurts missing a three-foot putt on the practice green or Lane Johnson’s AOL screen name from 2007 can be enough to set you up for months.
I Am the Mona Lisa—Remember Me?
I used to be the most talked-about piece of art in this museum. Now I'm not smiling anymore.
When Dating a Rogue Sailor, Watch Out for These Black Flags
Won't acknowledge his rum addiction.