Online dating is hard. Don’t you hate it when people lie on their dating profiles? This guy listed his height as 6’1″, but using the picture of him posing with a 13-inch bass, I was able to deduce his true height of 5’10″.

That guy, by the way, is Watson.

I love playing the Chuckle Hut. What a great crowd! But one has to keep a close eye on the patrons here. You see the man in the second row? His clothes smell like they’ve been covered in hydrogen peroxide—no doubt to get rid of the blood stains that remain on the soles of his shoes. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone—as long as you promise to pay a visit to my

Who here is from out of town? I’ll tell you. This man is from Lewiston, Idaho. This woman was born in Texas, but raised in New Mexico. And this guy in the Ed Hardy shirt? He’s from 2010! I jest, he’s from Bergen, Norway.

You might be wondering how I knew that man was from Idaho. His glasses were made with plastic found only in Idaho plastic factories, plus the tag on the collar of his shirt says, “Made in Lewiston.” He’s also a huge dork with a stupid face—yeah, sounds like a guy from Idaho to me!

Don’t you hate it when your nemesis shows up out of nowhere and says, “If you are clever enough to bring destruction upon me, rest assured that I shall do as much to you?” I hate my nemesis, welcome to my TED Talk. Seriously, I might have to kill that man before he kills me. What else, what else…

You ever notice how in Los Angeles the dirt is a brownish-red color, but in New York it’s a reddish-brown color? This is one of thousands of differences between New York and LA, which I will explain in painstaking detail.

Watson isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He once saw a robber steal a TV. Watson chased him down and said, “You forgot the remote!” I’m exaggerating of course, but, yes, Watson is much less intelligent than me.

If normal women are from Venus, then Irene Adler must be from a black hole! You don’t know Irene Adler? I guess the Chuckle Hut isn’t bringing in the finest scholars anymore…

I’m looking for a suspect. He has blonde hair, wears glasses, and he only eats one potato chip when he opens a new bag. Oh, hold on, that guy doesn’t exist because no one can stop at one chip!

What’s the deal with gender reveals? I can tell someone’s gender from the moment of conception. By the way, three women in the audience are pregnant but don’t know it yet. They’re having a boy, a girl, and an abortion. There’s a gender reveal that didn’t burn down half of California!

I believe one of you is planning to murder the person you came here with tonight. What else, what else…

I hate when my roommate touches my stuff. It’s like, buddy, if I had enough cocaine for you, I wouldn’t be addicted to the stuff—that’s elementary, my dear Watson! By the way, do you think that could be a Blue Collar Comedy–level catchphrase? I have about 25 solid minutes on Watson humor that really kills on the road.

Alright, that’s my time. My name is Sherlock Holmes and you’ve been a wonderful audience.

That being said, I have noticed hundreds of crimes during my 8-minute set and will be charging all of you before the night is through. Don’t forget to tip your waiters!