Don’t Reinvent the Wheel

Don’t reinvent the wheel. Remember, you already invented it. All you need to do now is find the file where you put all the wheel invention details.

First, remember what you named the file. “Invention idea: the wheel”? “Wheel stuff”? “Wheel deets”? Maybe just “wheel”?

No results.

Maybe re-sort the files by date and scan the file titles chronologically.

When were you first thinking about the wheel project? You probably invented the wheel around this time last year, right? But nothing from this time last year looks even remotely relevant to inventing the wheel.

Finding this file is taking twice as long as it took you to invent the wheel in the first place. Fine, just reinvent the wheel already. Think hard.

Wheel…

It’s impossible to concentrate on reinventing the wheel when you know you already invented the wheel. Plus, you’re hungry. Do not reinvent the wheel. Just find that goddamn file.

Ooh! Check the notes app!

Nope. Nothing relevant there. Lots of terrible short story ideas, though.

Didn’t you tell Mark about the wheel idea, back when you invented it? Maybe he can remember the details.

On second thought: don’t remind Mark about how great your idea is. If he senses it’s valuable in any way, he’ll swoop in and take credit. Remember, this is Mark, aka Mr. Repeat-Everything-You-Say-in-Meetings-But-More-Confidently.

Drop everything else in your life. Read the title of every single file you have ever created until you get to one that explains the wheel idea.

How do you have a file called “ideas” from three years ago that says nothing but “handwash touchscreen stopwatch”? That’s not an idea, it’s a list of compound nouns.

This is taking forever! You’re starving! Isn’t it Mark’s day to bring in donuts? Where is that guy?

Why do you have so many files anyway? Inventing the wheel should have changed your life. Why are you even working a job at all? Where is your Nobel Prize? You’re the inventor of the wheel.

Here it is! Wait, “ticket outta here” is what you named the file?

Oh god. The entire document just says “circle thing, move stuff with it.”

No, that can’t be right. You’re pretty sure you invented the wheel with a much higher degree of detail and clarity than that. You weren’t totally finished, of course, but you at least made some relatively thorough preliminary sketches.

Maybe those detailed sketches and notes are saved as a separate file?

Now spend twenty times longer than the time it originally took to invent the wheel searching for the wheel blueprint. Try… “wheel blueprint.” And 1,000 variations thereof.

No results. Where are those donuts?

Does this mean you’re going to have to reinvent the wheel after all? You can do it. Just focus.

Wheel…

You already sort of invented the wheel; why is it so hard to reinvent?

Oh good, here’s Mark. Grab a donut and see what he remembers.

Wait, what’s that gliding behind him? A cart? On… Are those wheels? Full of wheels for sale?

And now he’s claiming he invented the wheel last time he was on donut duty, after contemplating the shape of the donut.

You’ve got to prove you were the one who invented the wheel. Mark copied you! As usual! And now he’s trying to sell you your own invention? Where is that file?! Maybe you named it something like “donut-y thing”?

No results.

Okay, he stole your invention, but it’s time to admit it: Mark wins. At this point, it’ll take way less time to buy the wheel from Mark than to reinvent it yourself.

But first, you’ll need one of those sweet edible fried dough wheel things. What are they called again? I’m sure you jotted down the name in your files somewhere.