As you may know, I’ve never been a very successful gardener. My cucumber vines last year were a disaster. And I can’t grow a nightshade to save my life. But nightMARES are a different story! I’ve recently learned that whether you live in a USDA hardiness zone 2 or zone 10, everyplace has the right climate these days for growing a thriving cornucopia of horrors.

Not that it’s easy. I’ve been putting in the work: Hours every day of scrolling the internet, especially when I should be working or sleeping. Also while I’m eating, pooping, sitting at my kid’s dance recitals, driving in heavy traffic, driving in moderate traffic, and sometimes in the middle of a TV show I was enjoying too much.

Thanks to my dedication, all of the horrors I’ve planted are glossy and lush. Their roots are growing deeper every day. Some have even popped up that I don’t remember planting. My anxiety is through the roof; the bright blooms of the horrors greet me every morning when I wake up, and I can still see them when I close my eyes at night. It’s going great!

Unfortunately, though, I’m about to go on a relaxing vacation.

And I do mean relaxing. My in-laws have insisted on taking our kids for the week, so it’ll be just the two of us at the resort with no responsibilities. There are couples massages. There’s a beautiful beach just out back, the kind where they bring you mai tais. We’re planning to spend most of one day hiking a gorgeous trail to a secluded waterfall. There’s a hot tub and—I shudder to even write these words—a plunge pool.

I’m sure you can understand my concerns! It’s bad enough that the hike will have little to no cell service. What really worries me is that after spending hours floating in a pool or napping under a beach umbrella, I’ll be too calm and regulated to use the resort WiFi to check my phone. Obviously I’ve signed up for every kind of push notification—but what if I accidentally reach such a high degree of mental wellness that I turn my phone off entirely??

That’s why I’m hoping that if you’re not too busy, you can check on my horrors while I’m away. Below are some notes about their care and feeding:

Watering: Water is actually detrimental to the horrors—not just swimming and looking at waterfalls, but also drinking enough water yourself. Try to maintain a state of light to severe dehydration. I like to cruise around the internet with a few bags of pretzels nearby and nothing to drink.

Sunlight: Also harmful. The horrors thrive best under several daily hours of consideration in the dark. These can be late-night hours, early-morning hours, or a combination. (The darkness doesn’t have to be complete, though. I’ve discovered that some minor but nagging artificial light source, such as an alarm clock, or the glow of a notification reaching my smartwatch, encourages the horrors to multiply.)

Weeding: Weeding is not necessary. The horrors do just fine with new horrors sprouting up around them. Just make sure they all have plenty of air. NOT fresh air: please keep the windows closed. But do try to give all the horrors breathing room in your brain. You should avoid crowding them with mentally enriching activities, such as socializing or reading a book.

Pest protection: It is also not necessary to rabbit-proof the horrors. However, if you start feeling an urge to wrap yourself in chicken-wire fencing, that’s understandable.

Fertilizer: The most important thing for keeping the horrors alive is consistent scrolling. It can be on news sites, social media feeds, or someplace less expected such as the comments on a YouTube video about coconut oil. Deeper scrolling is especially helpful for aerating the roots of the horrors.

IMPORTANT: Please make sure you don’t take actions that would address any of the horrors in a material way (making a monetary donation, contacting an elected representative, volunteer work, etc.) as this shrinks the horrors.

Thank you so much!! Between this upcoming vacation and the fact that I think I’m about to lose my job for non-performance, I won’t be able to reimburse you. But I can bring you back some shells and the name of my therapist.

You’re also welcome to take home cuttings of anything you want to propagate. All you need is basic literacy and a working internet connection. They’ll change your life!