We get it. Reality’s not exactly awesome right now. Maybe your spouse just left you. Maybe your dog just died. Maybe your civilization is collapsing. Maybe you just said to a cashier, “Hi, how are you?” and they said, “Good, how are you?” and you said, “Good, how are you?”

Whatever your intolerable situation is, you’ve rightly decided to take a nice long coma until it all blows over. That’s where we come in—the Coma-Doze Clinic and Spa, where you can check in just to check out.

You may, naturally, have some asinine questions. Is it safe? Will you get bedsores? Will your coma become a semiconscious purgatory of disembodied horror that offers no escape and no relief, not even the momentary catharsis of thrashing or screaming? And what about getting fondled?

Rest assured, we at Coma-Doze understand your concerns. Whether you’re enjoying our premium services or sheepishly buying an economy plan, we’ve got your back. And your front. Pretty much the whole sad shootin’ match. Our hosts have been given extensive cursory training and are ready to meet all your reality-avoidance needs.

With our Cheaper Sleeper plan, you’ll be gently corked into one of our Bliss Pods, where you’ll be protected from up to a week’s worth of unpleasant news and interactions. While you’ll be denied the benefits normal people enjoy, you’ll be chemically oblivious to the shame you understandably feel. And you need not worry about bedsores, as you’ll be gingerly tumbled in your pod at an RPM of your choosing.

For the less financially wretched, we offer the Dream Scheme, which involves an arguably conventional hospital bed, the occasional playing of true-crime podcasts, modified Popsicles, and perfunctory sponge baths.

For anyone with a more exuberant budget, we offer the unlimited oblivion of the Doze Pros package. At this level, bedsore-mitigation interns (comely or chiseled) will lift you, briefly hold your limp body against their chest (heaving or granite-like), and flop you over like a delicious omelet.

All plans offer our Snooze It or Lose It add-on. With this option, you’ll be regularly induced to bolt upright, scroll through your phone, and probably decide to go back under. And upgrading is a breeze! With our system of preauthorized disbursements, we can extend your stay weekly, monthly, or whenever we arbitrarily determine we need more revenue to grow our world-class coma services.

At Coma-Doze, we’re fully committed to marginally improving your mental and physical well-being. Just ask our clients!

Mike A., a longtime Doze Pro, recalls, “Sometimes I’ll get these wicked flying dreams during a flipping. I still get the usual nightmares where I’m, like, buried alive and trying to scream, but the flying is nice.”

Brian R., a walk-in Cheaper Sleeper, tells us, “I had a little freak-out when I thought my sleep paralysis demon was peeling off big sheets of my skin, but my host swooped in to explain I was just being stupid. Thanks, Trevor!”

Darlene E., a veteran Dream Schemer, says, “I really don’t remember much. What was the question?”

Let’s face it—reality is out there, and it’s coming for you. Don’t let it catch you flat-footed! Awareness could strike at any moment and perhaps even cause minor discomfort, low-grade uneasiness, or a vague sense that something somewhere could be slightly amiss.

So if things have been a little much lately, don’t wait. Speak to a Coma-Doze rep today!