Nice place. Lovely sheets. Good shampoo. Someone kissed me in the middle of the night.
I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”
That was dumb. You broke your toe on a cheap desk. Inhale. Clear your mind of that very stupid thing you did. Exhale. Stupid.
Let’s see. What else can we dredge up from the darkest recesses of your mind to totally fuck up your night?
Including "The Capable Ice Road Trucker" and "The Priest Who Challenged Me to a Rap Battle at My Nephew’s Baptism.”
It's the second night that gets tricky. That's when the bats come.
5 Sleep Hacks to Help You Feel More Rested and Less Anxious About That Time You Accidentally Ran Over a Hitchhiker
Sleep hacks to help you wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and less dreadful about the eternal damnation of your soul.
5:00 AM – Catching the sunrise? Driving to hockey practice? This is the third least-late time ever invented!
Fragrant blueberry bush behind the cabin where you tossed your urine-soaked sleeping bag in a panic to get rid of the evidence.
Rise and grind, baby! And by that, I mean use an angle grinder to try and remove my court-mandated tracking bracelet.
I only have dry toast. Hope you like millet bread. I’ll just cut the mold off, and we’ll be good to go.
“Bite the bullet!” -- I am directing Rambo 6 and Sylvester Stallone is being very disobedient.