Welcome to our guided audio meditation.
During this session, you'll mindfully scan your whole body, starting with your toes and traveling upwards.
Close your eyes, breathe, and relax.
Prepare your body. Prepare your soul.
Let's begin.

First, become aware of your feet. Inhale deeply. Exhale deeply.
Notice the sensation. The feeling in your toes.
Notice your big toe.
That's the toe you broke when you kicked that new desk you were trying to assemble.
Do you remember—you were so upset about a missing Allen wrench.
That was dumb.
You broke your toe on a cheap desk.
Inhale. Clear your mind of that very stupid thing you did. Exhale. Stupid.

Now allow your focus to drift and explore. Breathe in deeply. And breathe out.
Bring your mind to your other big toe.
Holy shit. What is wrong with that toe?
It looks like something horrible happened.
Something involving farming equipment.
Industrial farming equipment.
From the early 19th century.
No one must ever see that toe. Your withered toe.

Stop thinking about your fucked up feet.
Bring your mind to your legs. Your calves, knees, and thighs.
Imagine sending transformational vitality to your entire legs.
Imagine you had the legs of a horse.
You could be a centaur. With hooves.
Instead of your pickled toe.
It looked like bad masonry.
That thing should come with a disclaimer.
Now imagine your horse legs are actually wheels.
Imagine being so fast. So free. With your wheels.
Imagine being a human skateboard.
Imagine doing wicked kickflips as the human skateboard.
That's dope.
Oops. You can exhale now. I guess.
But you'll just have to inhale again.

As your breath rises and falls, bring your mind to your solar plexus.
Feel your breath resonate, activating healing energy through your abdomen.
Think about your vital organs.
Concentrate on those weird gurgling noises.
What the hell have you been eating?
Loose change. From the sounds of it.
Inhale. Maybe you should cut back on all the bread. Exhale.
Maybe you have a big hairball growing inside of you. I saw a thing about that. On YouTube.

Follow your breath. Follow it upwards to your heart center.
As you breathe, feel your heart beating. Powering your body.
Your heart beats automatically. Unconsciously. It goes unnoticed. But it is a gift.
Unlike that toe. Which is a curse.
Perhaps you disturbed a tomb.
Or kept an amulet that was not yours.
That would explain your toe.
Pretty sure it had barnacles.
Bring gratitude to your heart.
Be thankful for your heart. For once. You ingrate.
Take a moment and simply listen. What do you hear?
Perhaps you can hear your heart beating.
Perhaps it sounds like that Huey Lewis song.
Inhale. In Cleveland. Exhale.

Now allow your focus to travel higher through your body.
As you inhale, fresh air moves through your nasal passages and brings an awareness to your mind.
Exhale, releasing all of your mind's negative energy.
Inhale again. Exhale.
Your nose is whistling a little.
Just notice the whistle.
Well. The whistle is very irritating.
You should get a neti pot. Some people swear by them.
Just a thought.
Simply notice the thought.
Do not try to catch the thought.
The thought is a fugitive from your brain jail.
Then again, all of your thoughts are fugitives.
You cannot catch them. You can't even find them. They come out in the night.
Inhale your unrelenting unease. Exhale in futility.
We are done. You are done.

Thank you for listening to this guided meditation. We hope it was a transformative journey. Remember: Don't sleep. You'll die. Namaste.