For hours today, I have been thinking about doing the thing. And yet I have made zero progress on doing the thing. How is this possible?

Can’t you see how clean my oven is? How filed my taxes are? How very walked my dog is? And yet, the thing is still not done. I do not understand.

I am not expecting miracles. I am expecting the thing to get finished if I just leave it alone and pretend it isn’t there for long enough. That’s how these things are supposed to work if life were fair. I’m incredibly patient. I’m willing to wait a long, long time for this thing to get done, as long as it gets done soon, because that’s when the deadline is.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in shoemaker’s elves. If I believe in them hard enough, they will do the thing for me while I sleep.

I have opened the file and looked at what I have to do. I deserve a break now, because looking at the thing I have to do is very tiring. Sometimes, if my break is very long, it is also tiring, and I need to take a break-break from the break in order to conserve my energy for eventually doing the thing. Somehow, despite using this technique to conserve my energy, I am very tired, and the thing still isn’t done.

A nap is called for.

I have just been napping responsibly to conserve my energy, and yet, somehow, I am even more tired. How can I do the thing when I am so tired?

I am not ready to do the thing yet, but I am considering doing the thing. I am holding space in my mind for doing the thing. I am picturing myself doing the thing. That should count towards doing the thing. If there were a scoreboard called “Doing the Thing,” there would be a number on that board now, and that number would be more than zero. It might be a decimal fraction, but it would not be zero or a negative number. That is Progress.

I am now reading an online article about how to do the thing. It is a very long article, so I am taking a break from reading it, but I will get back to reading the thing about how to do the thing at some point.

I am seriously contemplating asking for a deadline extension for the thing.

What is a reasonable deadline extension for getting the thing done? I am thinking two years is perfectly reasonable as it is a big thing and there is quite a lot of it and only so much me.

I have decided to ask for a deadline extension. But before I do, I will take a break, because deciding to ask for a deadline extension is a thing that I have accomplished today, and it was very tiring, and I need to conserve my energy for actually asking for the deadline extension or else the asking (much like the thing), will not get done.

Perhaps I could find someone to do the asking for me?

Or perhaps, I could find someone to do the thing for me.

Then it might get done.

But whom to ask?

I will generate a list. But first, I must take a break. After all, I have time. I’ve got a deadline extension.

Except, I haven’t got a deadline extension. I haven’t asked for one yet. Really, the deadline is so short, they should be offering me a deadline extension preemptively. I shouldn’t even have to ask.

They’re altogether expecting far too much emotional labor from someone like me who is so busy procrastinating.

Not to brag, but I have accomplished a ton of procrastination lately. I could probably teach a course, I’m so good at it.

Now, if only I could get someone to set that up for me. Because I’m really too busy not doing the thing to do this other stuff.