Effective Immediately. Supersedes all previous verbal, emotional, and psychic agreements made in childhood, on birthday phone calls, or over cups of lukewarm Milo. By proceeding beyond this sentence, you (“the Eldest Daughter”) accept the full scope of responsibilities as outlined by The Family™ (“we,” “us,” “your mother”).

Last updated: After your cousin got engaged. Again. To the same man. Who still hasn’t passed his exams.

1. PREAMBLE

This agreement recognizes your lifelong unpaid service to The Family™ in your capacity as:

  • Caretaker of younger siblings’ mental health (without needing therapy yourself).
  • Diplomatic envoy to your extended relatives.
  • Primary source of guilt-resistant labor and Tupperware recovery.

By birth order or circumstantial trauma, you have been designated as the emotional backbone of the household. This role is non-transferable and non-negotiable.

2. DEFINITIONS

For the purposes of this agreement:

  • The Eldest Daughter refers to the first-born female child, or any daughter who has inadvertently assumed this role by showing too much competence, empathy, or initiative.
  • Sacrifice means relinquishing personal dreams in exchange for vague familial pride and a laminated certificate your mother will eventually lose.
  • Voluntary Task refers to any favor or obligation The Family™ frames as optional, typically prefaced with “Can you just–” and later punished if declined.
  • Success shall be defined by one of the following:
    • A high-status career (preferably with initials).
    • A well-mannered husband with no obvious red flags.
    • Or the ability to financially support your parents while claiming to “just love helping out.”
  • Silence refers to the unspoken code of conduct that prevents you from openly expressing exhaustion, resentment, or mild discomfort in front of aunties, lest you embarrass the family lineage.
  • Holiday means an unpaid service trip to your childhood home, during which you will cook, clean, and be gently fat-shamed, all while smiling for photos that will later be sent to people you barely remember.

3. SCOPE OF AGREEMENT

By continuing to live, breathe, or send the occasional check, you accept the following universal obligations:

3.1 General Duties

    • Act as the glue between estranged family members who refuse to talk to one another, but all call you to complain.
    • Become an expert in assembling IKEA furniture, filing visa forms, applying Vicks, and de-escalating WhatsApp misunderstandings.
    • Manage expectations ranging from “be an example” to “be invisible,” depending on the situation.

3.2 Emotional Containment

    • You must appear calm at all times, even when your mother cries because someone wore black to a wedding.
    • You are not entitled to breakdowns, unless they are tidy, quiet, and preferably happen between loads of laundry.

3.3 Sibling Oversight

    • Serve as part-time life coach, career counselor, and resume fixer for younger siblings.
    • Do not ask for reciprocation. This is not a transactional arrangement. You’re doing this “out of love,” remember?

4. EXTENDED RESPONSIBILITIES

4.1 Public Relations & Reputation Management

    • You are expected to maintain the family’s social image across all platforms, including but not limited to Facebook, temple functions, and awkward buffet encounters.
    • If relatives say, “She’s doing well, right?” you must appear visibly modest, even if you’re the only one paying for everything.

4.2 Crisis Response

    • In the event of a family emergency (e.g., minor illness, ghost sighting, or a rumor your cousin is dating someone vegetarian), you must be prepared to respond within 45 minutes.
    • Emotional triage is to be conducted in private. Tears may only be shed discreetly during house chores or while stirring curry.

4.3 Romantic and Reproductive Compliance

    • You are required to date quietly and successfully, without drawing attention or asking for support.
    • Engagement must occur within a culturally acceptable time frame and be followed by marriage, children, and sustained performance of joy.
    • At no point should you admit fear, confusion, or that you’re not actually sure if you want kids. These comments will be ignored, then remembered forever.

5. PENALTIES FOR NON-COMPLIANCE

Failure to uphold any part of this agreement will result in one or more of the following:

5.1 Passive-aggressive comments disguised as concern:

“Are you okay? You look tired. Or older.”

5.2 Comparative weaponization of cousins’ achievements:

“Rina just bought a house and she makes time to bake. But no pressure.”

5.3 Historical reanimation of irrelevant childhood errors:

“This is just like when you forgot Aunty Geetha’s birthday in 2007.”

5.4 Additional breaches may result in:

    • Omitted family invites (followed by guilt-tripping about not being present).
    • Unsolicited advice from married uncles.
    • Public prayer requests for your personal improvement.

6. AMENDMENTS FROM VERSION 42.6

  • Clause 6.1: Therapy is no longer considered betrayal. However, if you mention it more than once, it will be treated as emotional Westernization and filed under “phases.”
  • Clause 6.4: If you raise concerns about generational trauma, expect defensive laughter followed by strategic silence.
  • Clause 6.7: Expressions of burnout must be prefaced with gratitude, ideally while holding a baby or frying something.

7. TERMINATION CLAUSE

This contract is permanent. Exceptions include:

7.1 Marriage into a family with lower expectations (rare).
7.2 Faking your own death (difficult).
7.3 Spiritual reincarnation as a second-born son (preferred).

8. DISCLAIMER

The Family™ reserves the right to update these terms without notice, especially if:

  • Someone else’s daughter achieves something newsworthy.
  • You gain weight or lose a job.
  • You dare to say you’re tired.
  • We don’t say thank you.
  • We say, “Eat more, you’ve lost weight.”
  • We say, “You did well, but don’t let it get to your head.”
  • We say nothing at all and expect you to know we’re proud—maybe.

By continuing to exist, you agree to all the above.

Your compliance is assumed unless otherwise stated. And even then, it’s probably just a phase.