Don’t worry about the old-timer who whispers “Beware the woods at night!” to you—it’s just his way of welcoming you!
Google “What does sexually active mean?” Is it like you’re having sex right at that moment? In the past year? Ever?
I’m Your Yoga Instructor and I’m Hitting on Some Weirdly Specific Things About You During This Class
Resist the urge to open your eyes and do a quick scan of the room, evaluating people’s yoga wear.
“Everything must come to an end.” Did I just tell you I’m dying, or that I finished The Legend of Zelda?
Millennials and Gen Z don’t understand how valuable a sense of camaraderie is, or how important mistress time is.
Time off task (12 minutes): Nerve sensors detected hunger prior to your lunch break. Hunger is personal time.
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.
I Created the Flavor Profiles for This Craft Coffee Roastery, and I Definitely Didn’t Make Them All Up
I definitely didn't come up with the flavor profile for this roast after I bought Starburst at a Hudson News in the SeaTac Airport.
Now I’m halfway to the table, and this bowl is burning my fucking hands off.
A pretty solid memory of that "Boy Meets World" episode where Cory’s mom gives birth to his younger brother.
5 Sleep Hacks to Help You Feel More Rested and Less Anxious About That Time You Accidentally Ran Over a Hitchhiker
Sleep hacks to help you wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and less dreadful about the eternal damnation of your soul.
I Am the Little Orange Man from Google Maps and I Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Dropping Me from 2 Million Feet in the Sky
If you’re wondering, in the moment you wait for me to land in Street View, I howl through the mesosphere, engulfed in flame.