Eddie Small | Points in Case

Eddie Small is a writer living in New York City. His comedy has also been published in The Onion, McSweeney's and CollegeHumor.

Author: Eddie Small

All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.

BARBER: It is customary to tip your barber $15 for each person who complimented your haircut and then immediately had sex with you.

"The Christmas Countdown": A group of photogenic children frolic by a fireplace and repeatedly exclaim "It's almost Christmas!" for 87 minutes.

I know what you're thinking: “A whole mansion for just $150! What a deal! I wonder if the low price has anything to do with that horrifying clown!”

Let’s just relax and not keep score except in a silent and secretive manner that I will only publicize if I happen to be in the lead at hole 17.

Please take this heat advisory especially seriously if you are old, as being old puts you at a higher risk of Everything.

It takes less than five seconds to read the average text message, while it takes more than 13 hours to listen to the average voicemail.

Who gets to determine when a novel starts and ends in this postmodern age that you would understand if you had read the first six pages too.