I Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story About Pothole Repairs—I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right
If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.
Comedy Writing
We’d Love to Offer You This Job, but I’m Afraid You Don’t Already Have This Job
Don’t get me wrong—on paper, you had pretty much everything we were looking for. But your experience was not at our company, in this exact position.
Things I Mistakenly Thought Would Be Helpful During Our Baby’s Delivery Process
A pretty solid memory of that "Boy Meets World" episode where Cory’s mom gives birth to his younger brother.
It’s So Good to Catch Up Now That My Life Is Finally Going Better than Yours
You know what they say: you can’t live in the past, when all of my achievements paled in comparison to yours.
Oh, No, I Just Remembered I Left the Front Door Unlocked and the House on Fire
I feel like such an idiot. How many times did I tell myself, “make sure you turn off the lights, lock the front door, and put out the grease fire."
Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie’s Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times
I was not leaving my house, both to avoid getting infected with COVID-19 and to avoid running into Joey “Iron Fists” Cachatolli.
A Message from a Company You Are Somehow Still Receiving Emails from Regarding COVID-19
We are adjusting our policy of requiring sick employees to come into work so we can laugh at them for being frail and weak.
Upcoming Disney Live-Action Remakes
The Emperor’s New Groove: Was the world clamoring for a remake of this 2000 sort-of hit that was almost universally praised as “fine?”
Honest Engagement Cards
I know we aren’t particularly close, but we do have a ton of friends in common, which means it would be a lot of fun for me to go to your wedding.
Welcome to Our Cell Phone-Free Restaurant!
We used to have lights, but we found that they reminded people way too much of their cell phone screens, so we got rid of them.
New Monoculture Candidates
"Aja": Such an underrated Steely Dan album. “Deacon Blues” and “Peg” as back-to-back tracks? Come on.
New Employee Handbook for the Public Pool Snack Bar
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.