Alright, everyone, that wraps things up. Thanks a lot for coming to the meeting today, and as promised, we are providing lunch for you all. You can help yourselves to the delicious spread of not pizza on the back table at your leisure.
Yes, I know at these past few meetings we’ve served pizza to no one’s complaints, but I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row! It’s a chicken dish made with rare spices that are famous for driving the host of Hot Ones insane. I ordered some once and loved it and only hallucinated for, like, 25 minutes, so rest assured that I will be deeply offended if you don’t try any.
What’s that old saying? “People who don’t like spicy food don’t like raises, either!” Or something like that.
Look, I know we all like Famous Joe’s, but I just thought having pizza at these things was getting a little too repetitive, you know? The dish is just too universally beloved and easy to eat at a leisurely pace while having a friendly conversation with your colleagues before going back to work. Why choose that when you can stress about whether you’re eating that scary-looking fish with all the bones in it the right way instead?
You’re not eating it the right way, just to be clear. And it will affect your compensation this year.
Still standing in front of the spicy chicken tray, eh? You’re probably trying to decide how much to take. That’s another thing that was driving me crazy about pizza: it was just so easy to figure out portions and how much to order! Just figure two slices per person, then factor in a few more in case some people want extra, and you’re all set. But with this new and innovative spread, we’re practically guaranteed to either have a ton of starving employees who regret not bringing that sandwich from home or a ton of leftovers that will stink up our office and take up all the room in the fridge for weeks. It’s a win-win!
Hey, what’s the matter there, Skip? I haven’t seen a plate that empty since I dumped all seven of my major projects on you, haha! But seriously, why haven’t you taken any food from this lunch spread I’ve been planning obsessively for the past month, which is actually why I needed you to take on all those projects in the first place? Are you a vegetarian? Because I’m pretty sure that green and orange creamy thing that has been making everyone who walks by it gag is vegetarian. I mean, it’s green, right? I guess I should know if it includes meat given how long I just said it took me to put this lunch together, but if I’m being totally honest, I spent a lot of that time just falling asleep to episodes of Top Chef.
Oh, and I haven’t even told you the best part about this lunch yet: all of the money I spent on it is going to support local restaurants! Or at least it would have if I hadn’t decided to ask my brother-in-law to cook everything instead since he’s trying to prove he has what it takes to open a Burger King franchise. Investments are welcome and aggressively encouraged!
Alright, well, that was delicious, and I for one am feeling great and energized! I can’t wait to get back to work—but no, Skip, that doesn’t mean I’m taking back any of my projects, so stop asking. What it means is I’m ready to plan our next lunch! I’m thinking not pizza again. Sound good?