Hey, boss. Happy Monday! Always good to be fully employed, am I right? Anyway, I wanted to follow up on a few items from my previous email.

First, I apologize that the quarterly CPM report is late. I felt it necessary to take some extra time to shore up some of the data. Also, I was just joking when I said in my initial email that I would fold the report into a paper airplane and dart it at your bulbous ass. I am in fact, diligently working on it and will have it on your desk EOD.

Speaking of which, I would be remiss if I didn’t address the subject line of that email. Unfortunately I was a bit hasty in declaring myself a crypto millionaire. While my $147 meme coin investment did briefly balloon to $1.2 million, I should have taken some profit instead of emailing you. And as of this moment, I am still very much a crypto hundredaire.

I also want to apologize for the hostile tone of the email, which was actually the result of an overzealous autocorrect function. Several phrases had been altered, like “dynamic leader” changed to “corporate dinosaur” and “benevolent business leader” to “shit stain in humanity’s underpants.”

Happens to the best of us, right? Of course, a boss as smart and handsome as you probably already figured all this out. But I thought I should clear the air!

And then there is the “suck it” part. I want to assure you that the “it” in question is most definitely not what you think it is. No, “suck it” actually is a bit of Gen Z slang that means, “Thank you for your mentorship and guidance.I really need this job if I expect to make rent this month.”

It’s an opposite thing, like how when you say something “slaps” it is actually good. Or, to use another example from said email, how the AI-generated photo I attached of an elephant defecating on your head and me with a speech bubble saying how it’s an improvement on your usual odor, is actually a compliment.

Obviously, a spry and with it 82-year-old such as yourself is probably already familiar with the youthful nomenclature. But again, I wanted to get in front of it.

As for anything else potentially offensive, please know that it was likely a combination of several unlikely accidents, including my email being hacked, an alley cat hopping though my office window and walking across my keyboard while I was out to lunch, and a solar flare allowing an interdimensional being to briefly inhabit my computer, a la Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive.

So in conclusion, I did not, in any meaningful sense, intend to quit my job. I am, in fact, deeply passionate about my role as a junior assistant media buyer and very much respect and appreciate my $32,000 a year salary. Please disregard my earlier email, and the subsequent tweets, TikToks, and skywriting.