WHAT’S UP EVERYBODY. KYLE HERE FROM KYLE ENERGY. THE DRINK THAT FORCES YOU TO FIND EXTREME IN THE MUNDANE. I’M THE FOUNDER AND CEO.

THEY CLAIM MY DRINK HAS REAL KYLE. HAHA. THEY SAY IT’S UH LET ME JUST READ THIS HERE. A CONCOCTION OF SUGAR CAFFEINE BULL TESTICLES AND TRACE AMOUNTS OF KYLE.

WELL GUESS THEY CAUGHT ME. GREAT JOB. BECAUSE I PUT MY BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS. OH GOD SO MANY FUCKING TEARS INTO THIS DRINK. I'M TALKING FIGURATIVELY HERE GUYS.

I’M SHOCKED. ADD UM THAT PUNCTUATION THAT INDICATES EXCITEMENT. TWO OF THEM. I’M SHOCKED AT WHAT THIS LAWSUIT INSINUATES. DO THE UH PLAINTIFFS THINK I HAVE A BUNCH OF KYLES LOCKED AWAY SOMEWHERE? BUNCH OF KYLES WITH PUMPS BEING PUMPED FOR KYLE JUICE? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE INSANE. HAHA. THAT WOULD BE FUCKING INSANE. AND THE ACCUSATION THAT I WOULD EXPLOIT FELLOW KYLES IS EGREGIOUS. YEAH EGREGIOUS. SHIT I NEED TO SIT DOWN HERE FOR A SEC.

KYLE ENERGY HAS BEEN A LONG SUPPORTER OF THE KYLE COMMUNITY. PART OF THE PROCEEDS FROM OUR DRINKS GO TO FAMILIES WITH KYLES WHO STATISTICALLY INCUR FAR HIGHER UH MEDICAL AND INSURANCE COSTS THAN AVERAGE FAMILIES. NO THANK YOU. OH MAYBE JUST A FEW TOWELS. GIMME LIKE THIRTY TOWELS. CAN I GET SOME ICE TOO? YEAH I NEED LOTS OF ICE.

UH UH THE PLAINTIFFS ALSO CLAIM THERE IS A LINK BETWEEN THE LAUNCH OF MY DRINK AND A SUDDEN RISE OF MISSING KYLES. THOSE HOLES IN THE WALL WERE HERE WHEN I GOT HERE. JUST PUT THEM ON THE BED. THAT’S FINE THANKS. I DON’T HAVE CHANGE. I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME. PROMISE.

IT’S A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR A KYLE TO GO MISSING FOR A BIT AFTER A WICKED BENDER OR WHEN THEY DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. TRUST ME. MANY OF THESE KYLES WILL WANDER BACK ONCE THEY GET SOME OF THAT ENERGY AND ANGST OUT OF THEIR SYSTEMS. I WENT THROUGH IT. MY COUSIN KYLE WENT THROUGH IT. MY SISTER’S BOY KYLE WILL GO THROUGH IT AS WELL. IT’S NECESSARY IF YOU WANT YOUR KYLE TO UH PROPERLY MATURE.

THIS APPARENT LINK BETWEEN MY DRINK’S LAUNCH DATE AND THE MASSIVE SPIKE OF MISSING KYLES ALSO NEGLECTS TO ACCOUNT FOR EXTRA EXTREME WEEK. AN AVERAGE OF I THINK IT WAS LIKE THIRTY FOUR PERCENT OF THE EVENT’S COMPETITORS WERE NAMED KYLE THAT YEAR. A GREAT DEAL OF WHOM WENT MISSING OR WERE DESTROYED IN THE FESTIVAL’S EXTREME EVENTS.

I THINK IT’S TIME TO PUT THAT RIDICULOUS CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT KYLE’S TO REST. YOU KNOW THE ONE I’M TALKING ABOUT. KYLE BLOOD IS NOT PACKED WITH POCKETS OF EXTREME ENERGY. THIS UNTRUTH HAS PUT KYLES AT RISK ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF BLACK MARKETS WHERE KYLE BLOOD IS IN HIGHER DEMAND THAN GINGER BLOOD.

I NEED TO ASSURE ALL OF YOU THAT MY DRINK WAS NOT STRATEGICALLY NAMED TO PROFIT FROM THIS MISBELIEF NOR DOES IT CONTAIN ACTUAL JUICE FROM KYLES. THAT IS COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS. I SIMPLY NAMED IT KYLE JUICE BECAUSE WELL IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE UNEXCITING STORY WHEN I WAS A KID I USED TO PRETEND I WAS A DRINK CHEF BY MIXING VARIOUS HOUSEHOLD INGREDIENTS LIKE COFFEE TOOTHPASTE PAINT THINNER AND CALL IT KYLE JUICE.

PLEASE KEEP DRINKING KYLE JUICE. IT’S FINE. END NOTE. SHIP THIS BITCH OFF TO THE MEDIA. NOW TO GET BACK TO JUICING. HI THIS IS KYLE FROM ROOM ONE OH FOUR. CAN YOU PLEASE BRING ME SOME MORE ICE? JUST BRING IT IN AND DUMP IT IN THE BATHTUB. AND I KNOW HOW MANY BAGS OF BLOOD I HAVE IN THERE SO DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING ANY. THANK YOU. I’M JUST GOING TO LIE DOWN HERE FOR A SEC.