Updates on the Status of the Tuna Melt You Ordered
Chef Roberts was trying to open the new tuna can, and his thumb got stuck in the ring.
Tag: Food
The Secret to That Great New York Pizza Is…
Gotta be those great New York fish. You seen these fish? New York fish have chutzpah. They've seen it all.
Our Burgers Are Now Made with Protein Beef
What exactly did we change about our Regular Beef to make it Protein Beef? Well, you can’t argue with the fact that the names are different!
Every Situation Where I Would Literally Say, “That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles”
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
That’s Right, I Claimed the 9 Billion Living Probiotics in My Kombucha as Dependents on My Tax Return
If joint return, spouse’s first name and middle initial: N/A (I brew my own kombucha)
Our Recent Corporate Bankruptcy Explained by the Notes I, the CEO, Left Around the Break Room Refrigerator
Third Post-it, covering Doris completely: “This company will not succeed if I’m not allowed to operate at peak performance.”
Six-Course Tasting Menu for an Italian Restaurant with No Toilet
Join us for an intimate five-hour journey with our tasting menu that changes seasonally, while our bathroom policy does not.
I Cut Out Food from My Diet, and I’ve Never Felt Better
Hot Foods in the Wintertime or Cold Foods in the Summertime: This one’s a real bummer.
I Am the Last Drop of Yogurt, Begging to Be Thrown Away
I don’t want you to fight for me. Believe me, a disproportionate amount of effort will be needed to capture me. I need you to know that I am not worth it.
I Am the Stain That’s Already Ruined Your Favorite Sweater
The whole restaurant glares as you fling your body away from the table like you’re protecting the commander-in-chief.
Why Is No One Eating My Awful Potluck Dish?
What should I do? If that dish is untouched at the end of the night they'll link it back to me and never invite me to a potluck again.
Before I Move, I Will Finish All of the Condiments in My Fridge
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.