Dear Valued Customer and Member of the Kooky Klothing Family,

Hello from Kooky Klothing CEO Don Finch. These are challenging times for all of us, and while the health and safety of your loved ones during the coronavirus pandemic is likely at the top of your minds, we assume you are also extremely concerned and curious about the steps that Kooky Klothing is taking to keep its customers and employees safe, even though you only bought something from us online one time three years ago as a gag gift for your cousin and had no idea that doing so also meant you would receive six emails per day from us for the rest of your life.

Let me first assure you that nothing is more important to Kooky Klothing than continuing to be profitable. Given that our accountants have told us it will be extremely difficult to remain profitable if our customers and employees start to get sick and die, keeping them healthy is now among our top five priorities as well. With that in mind, we are taking the following steps to ensure our stores remain safe throughout the coronavirus outbreak:

  • Adjusting our policy of requiring sick employees to come into work so we can laugh at them for being frail and weak. This policy has been a hallmark of Kooky Klothing since its inception, and changing it was not a decision we made lightly. However, we are now asking any employee who exhibits symptoms of the coronavirus to stay home, provided they still agree to let us laugh at them for being frail and weak via video conference. Employees who exhibit symptoms of other diseases are still required to come to work. We’re not running a charity over here.
  • Offering customers full refunds on any items they purchased for events that were canceled due to coronavirus concerns. All customers need to do to secure their refunds is bring their items and receipt back to Kooky Klothing, show the cashier a notarized letter signed by the event’s host, the surgeon general and Pope Francis confirming that everyone would have died if the event went on as scheduled, explain why you felt safe enough to come out to one of our stores and demand your money back but not safe enough to attend whatever stupid event you were going to wear our clothing to, and sign an affidavit affirming you are a wimpy little baby. Your refund will then be processed in six to eight years, although we strongly encourage you to accept store credit instead.
  • Encouraging all employees except David to avoid touching their faces. David’s face is a sublime creation of pure beauty, and it would quite frankly be sinful for us to prevent him or anyone else from touching it as often as they would like. Did you know his cheeks are that smooth even though he shaves with some crappy off-brand razor? Go ahead, feel them! But, like, wash your hands first, or whatever.
  • Closely monitoring updates and guidelines from the CDC and WHO. You know how you’ve been obsessively checking their websites since the pandemic started? Well, we’ve been doing that, too. We don’t have special access to a secret part of them where they provide companies with the “real” coronavirus guidance or anything, but hopefully sending you a formal email like this will make you think that we somehow have more information than you and are acting on it accordingly.

By following these new guidelines for the time being, we are confident that everything at Kooky Klothing will get back to normal soon. Although hopefully not too soon because, to be honest, this pandemic has proven to be a great distraction from our likely pending bankruptcy and our absolutely massive child labor scandal. Stay safe, everyone!

Sincerely,

Don Finch


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