In the eyes of a dog, I am nothing less than an eternal being existing beyond the constraints of matter and time. So where's my treat for being a good boy?
Over at MEGOPharma we thought, why not repurpose this stuff to make some money?
As Your Virtual Doctor, I Can’t Give You the Results of Your Brain Surgery Until You Smash That “Like” Button
Patients need to smash that so my bosses can track the popularity of this service, which will result in more financial support from our advertisers.
He asks you about yourself, things like, “Can you give me a kidney?” and, “So how’s about that kidney?”
You are pressing the button so hard that the spring mechanism has failed. Please stop pressing someone else’s button.
There's no way I'm going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip.
I’m Sorry for Running Over Our Star Quarterback with the Medical Golf Cart, but It’s Actually Been Worse for Me
There are five guys on our offense whose only job is to protect the quarterback. Don't take their failure out on me.
Suggestions from the Suggestion Box at My Teppanyaki Restaurant Where I Make All the Food with My Bare Hands
Posting signage around the restaurant that says, “We Pinky Promise We Washed Our Hands Before Returning To Work,” is not comforting.
Were you raised by parents who “loved you unconditionally,” regardless of your achievements and “accolades”?
Sure you have been up since 3 AM, counting the hours before you cry in the bathroom on your lunch break. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell others how to live.
Hamm from "Toy Story": Manufactured from plastic, Hamm should be the last option on anybody's transplant list.
Doritos, we’re nothing but consistent. Doritos are always crunchy. We never give conflicting guidance on how to enjoy Doritos.